Some things are better left unsaid

In a word...

2008-04-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Queen Karana.

This is the "One Word" meme and to complete it...

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Get it? Got it? Good!

1. Where is your cell phone? charging
2. Your significant other? computing
3. Your hair? frizzy
4. Your mother? working
5. Your father? traveling
6. Your favorite thing? Family
7. Your dream last night? odd
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? thinness
10. The room you're in? Office
11. Your ex? tiresome
12. Your fear? hights
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Married
14. Where were you last night? Home
15. What you're not? Quiet
16. Muffins? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Money
18. Where you grew up? DC
19. The last thing you did? typed
20. What are you wearing? Clothes
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pets? none
23. Your computer? slow
24. Your life? interesting
25. Your mood? happy
26. Missing someone? always
27. Your car? newish
28. Something you're not wearing? coat
29. Favorite Store? Sephora
30. Your summer? busy
31. Like someone? yes
32. Your favorite color? Pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? Today
34. Do you cry a lot? Sometimes

Are you kidding me?

2008-04-23T11:20:00.001-07:00

I really enjoy the Notes from the Universe and so on occasion I have posted a note if I was especially moved by it or encouraged. Apparently I'm supposed to let all of you know that the Notes from the Universe come from www.tut.com. One would think that it would be fairly easy for you to google (at www.google.com) "Notes from the Universe" and find them yourself if you were interested.

I guess I won't be copying any more of their notes to share here. If they actually wanted the word to get out they wouldn't act like jerks when people post their stuff (and clearly label it Notes from the Universe). To add insult to injury they didn't even spell my damn name right when they posted their comment (that I rejected. pfft.).

Instead of the Notes being a nice, positive, uplifting thing, I now feel like they're a marketing ploy that I don't want to be a part of anymore. Sad.

A gentle nudge ;-)

2008-04-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

I love my Notes from the Universe :D

Remember you once told me, Gail, that if ever all of the circumstances in your life were aligned just so, your soon-to-be friends were in all the right places at all the right times, and the financial markets, social climate, and global energies had all reached optimal points... you'd want to be gently nudged as a subtle sign that it was time to start doing new things, saying new things, and visualizing so that you might catch these gargantuan waves of change and surf to dazzling new heights?

TODAY'S THE DAY!!

Hang ten,
The Universe

PS: Oh, Gail, you also wanted me to remind you something about a fulling, high-paying job and Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bars... go figure.

Tuesday Love List ~ my friends

2008-04-22T11:26:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd do a list of people I love and why... I'm going to do ten people on this list, and if you don't show up on this list, maybe you'll be on the next one.

1. Amanda: How can I not love this crazy kid of mine. She makes me crazy and proud all at the same time. I guess that's the nature of teenagers. It's odd having her so far away but I know she's safe and healthy and happy.

2. Brian: Ahhh yes, the boyfriend. Hopefully soon the future husband and then husband and then father of my children. I think I love him most because he makes me laugh. Every day. Even on days when he's made me cry.

3. Tracy: She's my bff here in Santa Barbara. My "person". I adore her laid back and generous nature. She's always go with flow girl and I love that. Plus she's a huge geek who loves the same shows I do.

4. Karen: I don't get to talk to Karen often but every now and then I'll read her blog or she'll comment on mine and it's like we never stopped working together. She's steady... I love that.

5. Carmen: My sister is a pain in the neck but I love her. All the time. No matter what. And she loves me all the time no matter what. What more could you ask from a sister?

6. Sassy: I talk to her almost everyday online. She is a huge part of my everyday life. I don't know what I would do without her to snark with!

7. Stephie: Also one of my most favorite OL and RL friends. She keeps me sane. Plus she's as funny as they come!

8: Bobby: My brother is an outstanding human being. I've never known anyone more loving or giving. I'm proud to be his sister.

9: My mom: What a woman. She gave me life and a lot of attitude. Both have served me well ;) Thanks mom.

10: Alicia: I miss my Alicia. Working with her for 2 years was awesome and even though we don't see each other every day anymore, I'm glad she still calls me to gossip when she has good news.

Who do you love? Why? You know what? It doesn't matter. Just make sure you show them or tell them that you do in fact, love them very much. Warts and all.

Good advice

2007-12-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry ," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

Because Meg said to

2007-12-04T15:01:00.000-08:00

Meg Fowler writes a very funny blog here and last Friday she said to do this, so now I finally am. Better late than never right? You could do it too if you wanted. In the comments or on your own blog. I bet you'll feel better when you do :)

Things YOU Love:(since people aren't things) cameras, being driven around, thunder storms.

Song you love: since it's Christmas... Mary Did You Know?

Food you love: sushi, mac&cheese, fried chicken, french fries!, salad, brie

Thing you love to look at: Brian's eyes, a beautiful sunset, interesting doors, the ocean when the waves are big

Sound you love: waves crashing on the shore, thunder, the sound of the door opening when my boy comes home at night

Thing you love to laugh at: Brian, Family Guy, Amanda, my nutty friends, my sisters, my mom

Gadget you love: my iPod

Person you love: Brian, Amanda, my family, my friends...

Software you love: firefox!

Word you love: ostensibly

Thing you love on the internet: TK

Place you love to go on vacation: I think I would love Europe and Hawaii and Asia and Oz and everywhere

Sensation you love: drifting off to sleep

Animal you love: puppies

Book you love: The Count of Monte Cristo

Emotion you love: excitement, passion, comfort

Occasion you love: Birthdays!

Quality you love in people: compassion, honesty, positivity

Thing you most love to shop for: Kitchen stuff (when money is no object)

And finally…

What you love about today: That it's no longer Monday. ;)

Now you try it... I think you'll like it :)

Love? Actually?

2007-11-27T08:54:00.000-08:00

I was reading someone else's musings about love and what it is and how it works and that got me to thinking about the love in my own life. I have a lot of it. Lots and lots of love. And each of those loves is quite different and yet, they are all the same.

My family. The love my family feels for me and I for them is constant. It's steady. There's no guessing and there's no worry or wonder about it. They love me. They love me everyday. All the time. No matter what. Even when they don't like me very much, they love me always. And I love them always. It's sort of amazing that it works that way if you think about it. I know so many people who can't stand, let alone love, their family and it makes me realize how blessed I am to have 4 best friends in my brothers and sisters. I have a mom and dad and grandmothers who really do love me, too. And best of all I have a daughter who I adore and who adores me. That's love.

My friends. What a funny group of friends I have. Women mostly who are all different and wonderful and funny and caring. Some I'm closer with than others but they all love me. It's a good thing and a true blessing to have so many wonderful, caring women (and men) in my life. They love me for who I am and what I bring to the table in my own quirky little way. They love me for making them laugh and letting them cry. They love me for saying what no one else will say to them. They love me for being willing to be stupid with them and act silly with them and for being dorky about the same things with them. That's love.

Brian. There are a million things I think I could say about how Brian loves me and I love him. He's my best.friend. He's the person who laughs at me when I make "the pouty face". He's the person who will SQUEEZE my head when it feels like it's going to crack open like an egg if he doesn't hold it together for me. He's the person who I tell everything to. He makes me laugh. Everyday. I've never know anyone who could make me laugh everyday. Even when I've been at my worst, my most pathetic, my deepest sorrows, he finds a way and he makes me laugh. And I make him laugh. And I hold him when he cries. That's love.

In a world of resume dating and tell me 10 things about yourself that someone should know to fall in love with you dating I am blessed to have found him. I don't think my wicked ability to flirt or the fact that I read several good books a year or can play a mean game of taboo are what really matters. I think what matters is the way I scratch his back at the end of the day or they way I cram all his stuff in my already full purse or the way I hold him when he has a nightmare. It's the little things. It's the way we finish each others sentences. It's the way he takes my hand in his. It's the way I feel when I look into his pretty green eyes. It's a million tiny things that make up the day, the weeks, the months and the years.

That's love.

Now this is a nice thing to read on a Monday

2007-11-26T07:48:00.000-08:00

The prospect of happiness that moves you in the direction of a new dream, Gail, will always pale in comparison to the happiness you find once it comes true.

You can bank on it.

Happy, happy Monday -
The Universe

PS: You have so much more to look forward to, Gail, than you can now possibly imagine... just keep moving.

(Notes from the Universe)

If I were Queen

2007-11-15T07:56:00.000-08:00

If I were Queen, people would not be allowed to:

1. Park badly
2. Cut you off
3. Leave the house in clothes that don't fit
4. Talk on the phone in line at the store
5. Call you back without listening to your message
6. Ask for advise from a bunch of people and then come up with a reason why EVERY.SINGLE.THING that has been suggested won't work! gah!
7. Change the radio station in YOUR car while you're driving

I'm sure there's more. Maybe this will be a two part series.

To Do:

2007-11-12T21:33:00.000-08:00

1. Make Thanksgiving menu shopping list
2. Get all of my crap out of Brian's so his mother doesn't find it.
3. Roll eyes at the fact that his mother is such a snoop that things aren't even safe in his bedroom
4. Shop for Thanksgiving food
5. Put on a happy face.

yeah. that's it.

Not the football I was hoping for

2007-11-11T21:57:00.000-08:00

33 to 25 Philly over Washington. That just farking sucks. Add to it the fact that the stupid Cowturds won and you basically have a sucktastic weekend of football.

ugh.

goodnight.

Quickly, before I forget!

2007-11-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

Here is a post for Saturday...

We had the most lovely day. I slept quite a bit while Brian worked and then we decided to go a see a movie. Michael Clayton. It was... good. Not great. Not awful. Just good.

More tomorrow but I'm fighting the clock and I have guests who are waiting on me. :)

24 Season 7 ~ We hardly knew ye

2007-11-09T15:46:00.000-08:00

Actually we knew ye not at all because you are officially the first casualty of the writers strike for the fox line up. :(

I'm quite sad. 24 and LOST are two of the shows we're most looking forward to and now 1/2 of that equation is gone. I hope LOST doesn't suffer a similar fate.

sigh.

Happy Birthday Wendee!

2007-11-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

Today is the day that my dear friend Windizzle celebrates the anniversary of her birth. It's a good day to be sure, because well, she was born on it. And my world is a much better, brighter, hope-filled one because of her.

W's life hasn't always been sunshine and roses but if there were ever anyone who was going to make you believe in the power of love, it's her. When someone loses everything and then somehow has the strength to try again you have to admire them. I've never lost the way she has but I have learned from her that the only thing you can do is live through the pain of dealing with the bad stuff and then be ready to let the good into your life. It's there. The good is always there, waiting for us, hoping we'll notice it and Wendee is a shining example of what happens when we notice.

I love you WdJC. I don't get to see you and I don't get to talk to you as often as I would like but thank goodness for computers... the internet makes me feel like you're just across the street.

I hope you have the happiest of birthdays, middle name twin. *smooch*

All my love,
gailEE

It's a personality thing...

2007-11-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

Those of you who read this and happen to know me, what do you think? Did the quiz get it right?

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.

Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart. You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do. You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

'Fess up

2007-11-06T18:52:00.000-08:00

Everybody has something they do that's "wrong". Some people take the last donut. Some people get fired all the time. Some people steal parking spots from little old ladies.

Me? Well, I kill plants. I've tried and tried and tried to keep them alive. I follow the instructions of people far wiser than myself about the care and feeding of plants only to fail in the end. I should throw in the towel. I was doing really well with an orchid I was given but that, too, is now dead.

The worst part about that dead orchid? I'm going to replace it so the given doesn't find out I killed it.

Now it's your turn. 'Fess up. What do you do?

I am among the living...

2007-11-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

more or less.

I went to work. So that was something. I'd say I'm a bit better for having slept the weekend away. So to commemorate my wasteful weekend a top 5 list

Top 5 Things Better Than Sleeping
5. Shopping. I love to shop when I have money.
4. Cooking.
3. Taking a walk on the beach.
2. Going to the movies.
1. Spending quality time with Brian.

There ya go. :)

Day 3 and I already screwed up :(

2007-11-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

I basically slept all day yesterday and all day today. This is the best I can do for today.

sigh.

The day ending now would be good

2007-11-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

I realize it's only 9:08am here in California. That does not stop me from wanting the day to be OVER. Just plain O.V.E.R. thank you very much. I'm also aware of the fact that it's Friday. Of the "oh yay it's Friday I'm about to have a whole weekend to do whatever I want!" Fridays.

Sadly, this is not how I feel. Why don't I feel this way? Well, for a few reasons. Last night I didn't get to watch Gray's. This made me sad and mad. Then in the middle of all this sadness and madness I noticed that my throat was hurting. That's not really a good sign when Brian has been sick for the last 2 weeks and it all started with a hurting throat. I passed out earlier than normal and was woken up by being smacked on the butt because I was snoring. I don't usually snore, at least not so loud that it would make Brian wake up and smack me on the butt or anywhere else. Snoring that loud is a sign that I'm congested. Hmmm, sore throat, achy body and congestion... guess what folks? I got myself a cold.

sigh.

This is what sick time was invented for right? Well, yes but in my case I need to conserve the 10 remaining sick hours I have for when my head is in need of being chopped off from the pain in it. A cold, a fever, anything short of puking means nothing in the face of possibly not being able to go home and chop off my head when it's hurting.

I also have other plans today like a brazilion waxing. And going to some party with my friend Tracy and then catching up on TV with Brian and Tracy because that's what we do on Friday nights. After that? Well after that I plan to go home with the wonderful man who gave this cold to me and take lots of drugs and pass out.

Which really, is what I want to do RIGHT NOW. Skip all that other stuff and just go straight to the drugs and the passing out.

Is there an express route to that option?

Day One - Top 10

2007-11-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm looking forward to this next month of writing on here everyday. Should be interesting. I was giving some thought as to what to write about today and I decided to start off with a Top 10 list.

The Top 10 things I love about November:
1. Thanksgiving food. It's so bad for you but so tasty!
2. Having a 4 day weekend
3. Two of my favorite people have Nov. birthdays
4. The Redskins and the Cowboys always battle it out in Nov.
5. It starts getting cold at night. All the better for cuddling!
6. Good TV. I'm a fan of sweeps months :D
7. Oscar buzz movies!
8. Hot chocolate.
9. It's almost Christmas time!
10. If leaves are changing in CA now is when they start to happen. *love*

The beatings will continue until moral improves

2007-10-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

I write on a blog called Tonight We Make Soap, we often talk about the funny side of life and the humor we find on the web. I love that. I love knowing I make people laugh! It's a kick :D Check it out sometime. The folks I write with are a hoot!

Today though I wrote about a very unfunny topic but I felt compelled to discuss it anyway. It's a topic that has affected 2 people I know and I bet I have other friends who suffer from this and don't talk about it. Here is the bulk of my post over there.

The scary topic? Domestic Abuse. But not the kind you normally think of, this is about women abusing the men in their lives.

Some of you know that I'm a part time photographer. I've been the 2nd shooter at several weddings. Last September, I shot a wedding with my boyfriend. It was for one of his old high school friends. This October we found out he had filed for divorce. Why? Because his wife was verbally and physically abusing him. He honestly thought that marriage would make things better. That if he gave he what she wanted (a ring on her finger) that she would stop hitting him. She didn't. In fact, it got worse. Thank goodness he reached his breaking point quickly. I shudder to think what could have happened to him.

Why didn't he fight back? Well, I don't know. He's not a wimp. He's bigger than she is and he can hold his own. I can only guess that it was his gentle nature and his desire to make things work that made him take it. Many of the same reasons why women take it. The emotional manipulation that tends to go along with these situations can also make it difficult to fight back. If you're told for long enough that you are worthless you start to believe it.

I have another friend who's about to get married. He's marrying a women who has smacked him around in front of his friends. I can only imagine what she does when no one is watching. Telling him that she shouldn't be treating him that way hasn't helped. He makes excuses for her like so many battered partners do. I hope that he comes to his senses at some point because he's a nice guy. And even if he wasn't, no one should be anyone's punching bag.

I don't know why these women and so many like them beat their husbands and boyfriends. I'm glad I don't understand it. I never want to "get" why anyone would be so cruel to someone they "love". I know that one of the women in question drinks way too much and does drugs socially. The other woman I don't know as well, but based on what I've been told about her, a personality disorder might be the source of her issues. I hope these women can get help. I hope the men they abuse can find help, too. Sadly, most men don't get help because of the massive amount of shame that's associated with being beaten by your woman. What kind of real man lets that happen, right? Well I know two real men who have or continue to let that happen and it breaks my heart.

Shame and silence are the biggest problem for abused men. I don't know how many people will read this. I don't know if it will matter to anyone but me that I shared this issue. But if nothing else, I've broken the silence a tiny bit. I hope it helps.

Tag - You're It!

2007-10-16T10:11:00.001-07:00

I've been tagged by Classy Cassie. Seven random facts about me.

1. When I cry the tears always start in my left eye and they always start in the middle of my instead of the corner.
2. I was terrified of gnats when I was little.
3. I have driven across the country 3 times.
4. I hate avocados. Please do not serve them to me.
5. I will backspace over an entire sentence if I misspell a word.
6. I am far more sensitive than most people realize.
7. I hate crickets.

I tag:

You

Don't get too excited but...

2007-10-15T13:56:00.000-07:00

I thought you all might be interested to know that I'm going to do the November blogging challenge again. And I even bought this groovy little book to help me find new and interesting things to blog about. That's right, I'm going to blog something every single day in Nov. All of them.

Also for those who are interested I'm a contributor to another blog called: Tonight We Make Soap it's lots of fun and I'm enjoying being a part of it. Additionally, I'm doing a 365 blog. 365 blogs are most definitely the hot new thing but since I have to be difficult, I'm doing it with my cell phone camera. And I'm not doing 365 pictures of me. Cause, um, no. I am taking a picture everyday with my cell phone (or sometimes other people's cell phones) that documents my life in some form or fashion. So follow along if you're so inclined.

Life Path

2007-09-11T21:32:00.001-07:00

The Life Path 3 indicates that you entered this plane with a strong sense of creativity and with wonderful communication skills. Achievement for you most likely comes through engaging your ingenious expression. A truly gifted 3 possesses the most exceptional innovative skills, normally in the verbal realm, writing, speaking, acting, or similar endeavors. Here we are apt to find the entertainers of the world, bright, effervescent, sparkling people with very optimistic attitudes. The bright side of this path stresses harmony, beauty and pleasures; of sharing your inventive talents with the world. Capturing your capability in creative self-expression is the highest level of attainment for this life path.

Life is generally lived to the fullest, often without much worry about tomorrow. You are not very good at handling money because of a general lack of concern about it. You spend it when you have it and don't when you don't.

The 3 loves connecting with people. The characteristics of the 3 are warmth and friendliness, a good conversationalist, social and open. A good talker both from the standpoint of being a delight to listen to, but even more importantly, one who has the ability to listen to others. Accordingly, the life path 3 produces individuals who are always a welcome addition to any social situation and know how to make others feel at home. The approach to life tends to be exceedingly positive. Your disposition is almost surely sunny and openhearted. A happy and often inspired person, you are constantly seeking and needing the stimuli of similar people.

There is a remote side to your 3 Life Path, as well. This comes as a surprise to the native and to those who think they are well acquainted. The 3 is actually a very sensitive soul. When hurt, you can easily retreat to a shell of morose silence for extended periods. Nonetheless, the 3 eventually copes with all of the many setbacks that occur in life and readily bounces back for more. It is usually easy for you to deal with problems because you can freely admit the existence of problems without letting them get you down for too long. Because of your own sensitivity to hurt, you have a caring disposition and seem to be very conscious of other people's feelings and emotions.

In romance, the 3 is a very ardent and loyal lover. Affairs that don't go well can leave scares that seem to linger. Emotional experiences of all sorts tend to deeply touch the 3 and the drama may take some time to play out. Regrettably, the giving disposition of the 3 often attracts demanding partners. As with most of life's issues for the 3 Life Path, balance in relationships is illusive.

Your big test with a 3 Life Path is controlling your highs and lows. You won't survive very well in any routine environment or when you are placed under dominating management. Slow thinking and overly contemplative people tend to frustrate you, and you don't function too well with this type whether you are working for, with, or under them. Your exuberant nature can take you far, especially if you are ever able to focus your energies and talents.

For the few living on the negative side of this Life Path, a 3 may be so delighted with the joy of living that the life becomes frivolous and superficial. You may scatter your abilities and express little sense of purpose. The 3 can be an enigma, for no apparent reason you may become moody and tend to retreat. Escapist tendencies are not uncommon with the 3 life path, and you find it very hard to settle into one place or one position. Guard against being critical of others, impatient, intolerant, or overly optimistic.

What's your life path number? Does it match the path your life has taken so far?

Who I am? Benevolent Creator

2007-07-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

Benevolent Creator

about you
You are a Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.
You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.
Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.
The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.
You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.
Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.
You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.
Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.
You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.

If you want to be different:

Appreciate the earthly, practical elements of things—there is beauty in form as well.
While you are good at thinking abstractly, focusing on details a bit more may help you discover things about the world.

how you relate to others
You are Benevolent

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT
You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.
Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.
Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.
Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving...

2007-07-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a little guilt to make you feel worse! I love this little comic strip. :)

Karen is the inspiration

2007-07-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

Being friends with a Queen really pays off sometimes. So Queen Karana is the inspiration for this post. And the fact that it's been a month since I posted anything. Even in my anti-sharing mode, I still like posting things from time to time. So now is the time I guess ;)

45 Things About Me

1. Are you taller than your mom? Yes. As are both my sisters. In fact, my sisters are also taller than me!

2. What color is your car? a light slivery blue (when it's clean)

3. What is the closest thing to you that is red? a red ruler

4. What is your ringtone? I have different ones for different people but the main one is "Good People" by Jack Johnson

5. Are you sick? Nope. I'm good.

6. Do you have a favorite pillow? Yes. Three of them actually and they are all squishy!

7. What is your favorite game? hmmm. Well if we're talking board games my newest favorite is Taboo. On my computer I like Cubis Gold. On my phone it's jewel quest. (I play the phone one the most)

8. Had a nap today? Nope. And I won't.

9. Gold or Silver? In most cases I would say silver. Or white gold. I don't like yellow gold.

10. Is there an animal that creeps you out? Insects and rodents and snakes. I don't really care for anything like that.

11. Who was the last person you rode an elevator with? Amanda and Brian

12. Did you go ice skating as a kid? Yes. Not often though...

13. Ever have stitches? Yep. I've had 2 surgeries and they both required being stitched back up. I've also had them in my mouth when I had my wisdom teeth pulled.

14. Favorite non-alcoholic drink? Ginger Ale and cran-raspberry juice.

15. How long ago did you kiss someone? yesterday

16. What's something you want to do before you die? see as much of the world as I can.

17. Have you ever caught something on fire? Not accidentally

18. Have you ever seen a ghost? No.

19. Have you ever seen the northern lights? Yes.

20. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Yes!

21. Name something good that happened today. I got a new bookcase at work.

22. What room are you in? My office

23. Are you worried about something you can't control? Yes. But I try very hard to remind myself that my worry doesn't do anything positive for the situation and that all I'm doing is putting negative energy toward something that doesn't need negative energy.

24. Do you like to exercise? I feel good when I do it but I won't say I *like* to do it. All things being equal I'd like to have a perfect figure and be super healthy and energetic without having to exercise.

25. Ever been in a car wreck? Yes.

26. Are you wearing nailpolish? No. But I would like to go get a manicure. My nails are in desperate need of some TLC.

27. Favorite color? Right now I would say it's Pink.

28. Innie or Outie? Innie.

29. Ever been to Canada? No.

30. Sweet or Sour? sweet

31. Sun or Moon? I love a nice sunny day but I love a moonlit walk just as much.

32. What shoes did you wear today? Tennis shoes.

33. Favorite eye color of the opposite sex? Green. No question.

34. Most important quality in any relationship? I'm going to say honesty and kindness. The two much go hand in hand.

35. Favorite movie? Of all time? Shawshank Redemption and The Princess Bride. But really I have tons of moves I love and will watch over and over.

36. Time of day you were born? 11:25 am. I like to sleep in. ;)

37. Do you know your blood type? O+. Too bad getting more than one vile of blood from me is such a pain... I'd be a good donor.

38. What would you spend 5000 dollars on right now if you were handed it? a new camera (or two). A new lens for said camera (or two). Some software that I've been lusting after. And some new clothes and shoes. I also might go buy a Coach bag that I've been wanting but I'm not sure there would be enough. I'd also really want to put some of it into savings.

39. Name something you are grateful for! My friends.

40. Did you grow up in the city or country? I basically grew up in DC.

41. Would you ever consider going on a reality TV show if offered a large sum of money? Would I consider it? Of course. I don't know if I would *do* it. But I would absolutely consider it.

42. One of your dreams? To get married and have another baby (or two).

43. Hugs or kisses? Hugs. Although I'm a big fan of kissing, too. ;)

44. You have 10 dollars to spend in the dollar store. What do you get? Ummm , I haven't been in one in so long I don't know. probably coloring books and crayons. For me. Not for a kid. :D

45. Slurpee flavor? Coke. No question. It's the only one I ever get. I have been known to leave one 7-11 and go to another when they don't have coke slurpees.

My all time favorite Calvin & Hobbs

2007-06-04T23:36:00.001-07:00

I've often asked that very question... why isn't the world ever unfair in my favor? The answer of course is that it is quite unfair in my favor a lot of the time. Or at least I think that's the answer. It's certainly better than the alternative. ;)

What would you wish for?

2007-05-31T21:46:00.001-07:00

Hmmm, I think I'd wish for a million more wishes ;)

What about you?

Sometimes you need to test for sharks

2007-05-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

Better safe than sorry when it comes to sharks. :)

Updating? What's that?

2007-05-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

I've been quite remiss in keeping everyone updated. I guess there's been a few reasons for that. The first being that I've started to question this whole idea of sharing my private life online. I've always been a fan. In fact I've had online journals now for at least 8 years. Some have been in private communities, some have been in places like blogger or live journal. I'm often thrilled at the thought that I could share something with people that they would relate to. Something that would make them feel like they knew me or themselves better and that I, in turn, would know myself or them better as well. In some cases it's worked exactly that way. Those are the good times.

Lately though, I've been too busy living my life to want to take time to write it all out. That and living your life by committee can be tiring. I'm well aware that when I post something, someone can have a opinion they want to share. I don't have to do anything that anyone says but there are times that the knowledge of what someone else thinks is wearing. I guess I'm feeling the need to just do things on my own or at the very least be a little more discerning about the people I share with. This isn't a reflection on the people who do or don't read this blog, it's a reflection of me, which is what a blog should be. Right now, I want to be the only one looking at that reflection.

I may still post things in here from time to time. Funny thing I see or find or that other people lead me to but my daily life updates, my relationship trials or successes, my job, things like that... those things will be shared differently, more one on one. It's what works for me for now.

I hope people understand. If they don't, well, I guess they can blog about their issues with it if they want :) That's the beauty of this medium, we can each use it how we want, when we want.

love,
gail

Who knew you could get a soul for so cheap?

2007-04-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

I brought donuts to work today ;) My evil plan is working! I had to get all their souls today since this is my last day at the Foundation! Woo hoo!!

Does it really change when you "grow up"?

2007-03-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

I don't think so... Seems like boys are still the same as they were in first grade.

I didn't get the job

2007-03-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

I believe I was what they term as "over qualified".

Ugh.

Back to the hunt.

Quite right.

2007-03-15T18:05:00.000-07:00

Interview number 3!

2007-03-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

I have a 3rd interview set up with a company I submitted my resume to about a week ago. I'm very excited about this possibility and I really think this job would be an excellent fit for me. It's in HR (which I like) and it's for a medium sized company so there's growth potential. Don't know anything about the pay scale yet but I do know they have great benefits so that's good. It would be nice to have health insurance again. I'm hoping they'll offer me at least $17 an hour. That would be enough to get by and still be able to have a life.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Sometimes things find you at just the right time

2007-03-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented & fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light
shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Will you be my Lorelei Gilmore?

2007-03-06T17:02:00.000-08:00

Last week's episode of Gilmore Girls was focused on Lane Kim, Rory's best friend, having a baby shower. During the shower she told Rory about how lucky she had been to have Lorelei in her life especially when her own mother was driving her crazy and she wanted that for her kids. So in a moment of quiet, unrecognized ceremony she asked Rory to be her children's Lorelei Gilmore.

*sob*

It was a wonderful moment. Special and personal and lasting.

My daughter is blessed to have two Lorelei Gilmores of her own. She has my friend Kendra who's forgotten more things about me than most people will ever know. She's been one of my verybestfriends for over 20 years. And she was there from the beginning. Amanda loves her and trusts her and confides in her.

And she has NakedJen. Now Jennifer hasn't known us as long, but I daresay she knows us as well, and in some ways, even better. She is the older sister I always wanted. The wise one. The one who lets me know it's ok not to have all the answers, all the time, because together, we will figure it out. She lets me know when I'm wrong and she holds my hand when it falls apart. She tells Amanda the straight facts and lets her know that anything and everything she tells her is perfectly ok and even if it's not, they will make it perfect. And Amanda loves her, and trusts her and confides in her, too.

What a blessed girl. Every girl should have a Lorelei. That women who lets you tell her things that your mother would yell about. She helps you go and tell the truth to that yelling mom when you're too scared to go on your own. And she loves you. All the time. No matter what.

I'm not surprised that one of the biggest things these women have in common is being doulas. They both love and respect and cherish every chance they get to help and new life enter the world.

And best of all, they both love Amanda.

And me. I'm a pretty blessed girl myself.

Thank you both. For everything you've done and for everything I'm sure that's to come.

I love you.

Creation explained

2007-02-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

I want to update

2007-02-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

I really, really do but I have nothing to say. Nothing funny or clever or sad or thoughtful. My life is boring. As boring as boring can be.

My kid is happy and doing well in school.
I'm working and at the same time looking for new jobs.
Brian and I are doing our thing (whatever that is) and it's working just fine for now.
I pay my bills.
I put gas in my car.
I eat.
I go to the movies.
I read blogs.
I give advice.
I sleep.
I'm learning how to not suck so bad at Mario Kart 64.
That's about it.

See... boring.

A Note from the Universe

2007-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

When it comes to the words you choose, Gail, whether in your mind or amongst friends, let them be of what you like and love. What you care about and cherish. What makes you happy. What gives you wings. What makes you dream.

And very little else.

The Universe

Such good advice. Really. I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and family who make me so happy :)

(Notes from the Universe)

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day

2007-02-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

So I had a great one this morning. The Pelican Benedict is amazing and if you're ever in Santa Barbara please insist on me taking you there for breakfast. It's not cheap but boy is it good. Yum-O ;)

So what do you really think of me?

2007-01-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

Tell me here

It'll be great fun but please leave your name so I know who you are!

Thanks!
Gail

It's just another day? Right?

2007-01-25T15:09:00.000-08:00

Only it's not. Not for me. For me, today is the day that my baby was due. It's the day I was supposed to be a mommy again. Even though I have a strong feeling that little B would have shown his rosy cheeked face on Sunday the 21st, today was still the day that the all the pregnancy calculators said it would be.

I'm trying so hard to move forward. And for the most part I do pretty well. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him but I can get through the thought without feeling horrible anymore. I just can't help but wonder what life could have been like. I realize that there are those that would tell me that life is exactly as it should be and that my baby just wasn't meant to be. I don't believe that. I believe he was. Maybe he wasn't anyone that would be counted on a censes but he was someone to me.

I'm painfully tired and more ready to sleep than I have been in a long time but I'll power through until 5:00 and then go home and let blissful sleep take over for a while. Because sometimes, your mind and your heart and your body just need a break.

The week that sickness stole

2007-01-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

When last we spoke, everyone was heathy... little did I know that both Brian and I would end up very sick. Not fun. I don't recommend it to anyone. Ever.

I'll spare the boring (and somewhat disgusting) details and leave at this, we're healthy again. Thank goodness.

I hope all of you are healthy, too.

love,
me :)

That Lucy sure is smart

2007-01-12T16:26:00.000-08:00

I should put a nickel in her jar :)

What a difference a day makes!

2007-01-11T11:18:00.000-08:00

My day yesterday was not so great. I was overtired. Feeling sad. And just all around unhappy.

At 5 I left my office in tears, mostly out of frustration and exhaustion, I wanted to go home a sleep for a month but I had to get to the dr's for my adjustment. Off I went, trying not to let the tears get in the way of driving.

Dr. English worked his magic and I felt so much better. Physically and emotionally. I decided to go get yarn since I was near Michaels in Goleta. Got what I needed plus a really cute yarn that screamed "Make me into a scarf for Wendee!" so who was I to argue? After that, I decided I wanted to get my brows waxed. I wanted to do something nice for me and that seemed perfect. Off I went to the brow place that's open late and got that done. Walked next door to the salon that was still open and got a much needed haircut. love it. She even flat ironed my hair and it looks awesome! Then I popped over to Sephora and got a sample of the Philosophy micro peel and went home and gave myself a facial. heaven! I felt like a new woman.

Today, I am well rested, with pretty hair and soft skin. Happy happy day!

Time to sleep

2007-01-10T15:45:00.000-08:00

It's time for bed little mouse, little mouse
darkness is falling all over the house.

I am so tired I want to cry. Actually, I have cried. I want to sob. And I want a hug. And I want to be held in someone's arms and fall asleep.

It's time to sleep little deer, little deer
the very last kiss is almost here.

Envisioning the future

2007-01-08T10:22:00.000-08:00

I know I've been kinda quiet the last week or so but I've been working hard on my vision statement. It's kind of my dreams for what I really want the next year or two or even longer to look like. It's going to be an always evolving thing because as new things happens my dreams will change or refine or grow and then I'll update it.

Plus, I've been working on a wedding. And that takes TIME. lol

love to all of you!

How could I resist?

2007-01-05T15:25:00.001-08:00

My kingdom for a painfree back

2007-01-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

I'm so freaking tired of my back hurting. Enough is enough.

Pain, pain go away.

And don't come back!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T18:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2007.

There will be so much to share soon that I dare not even try to speak about it until I have a better handle on what it all is but suffice it to say that 2007 will be my year.

I'm certain of it.

I hope it's your year, too!

Wisdom is everywhere

2006-12-28T11:27:00.000-08:00

When you're right, you're right. :)

Merry Christmas to All

2006-12-25T21:06:00.000-08:00

And to all, a good night. :)

Friday. Of the "oh my god could it be any longer" fridays

2006-12-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

All I can say is I'm glad the day is over and I'm even more glad that by this time tomorrow, I'll have my baby girl home with me and one of my best good friends with me for Christmas!

And at some point on Christmas day, I'll light a candle for the little angel that should be getting ready to make his appearance but is instead up in heaven.

I'll also make sure to hold the beautiful girl I have just a little closer.

I need a nap

2006-12-21T16:26:00.000-08:00

A very long long long nap. I am so tired. There has to be a point at which I get to sleep. I hate having things twirling around in my head. I want sleep. 10 uninterupted hours of sleep. That's it. That's all I ask. Well, it's all I ask for now.

'Tis the season

2006-12-20T00:23:00.000-08:00

Indeed.

One Quarter of a Century

2006-12-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

My brother turned 25 yesterday. I should have posted about Eric yesterday but alas, I did not. Cricky (his nickname since he was a baby) has always been a sweet kid. Filled with massive amounts of energy and always into something. I think he had enough energy for 5 kids! He's always marched to the beat of his own drum. He's his own person. I don't always understand his choices but I love him beyond reason. He's my baby brother. The only Cricky I'll ever have and I adore him.

25 years ago, I became a big sister again... and I couldn't be happier that Cricky is here and happy and healthy and whole. That's all a big sister can ask for when she has a baby brother like Eric Joseph. :)

I love you Cricky!

Not all it's cracked up to be

2006-12-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

Being right that is. It's just not all it's cracked up to be. I know I've done the right thing but that really doesn't make this hurt any less.

:(

Horror-scope

2006-12-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

You may be running into trouble today, even if your intentions continue to be consistently honorable. A cascade of events can free you from the restraints of your own thoughts. You might as well buckle yourself to the nose of a rocket, for that is how you may feel. The exciting events now will eventually fit into a much larger framework of change. In the meantime, loosen up in the most constructive manner possible.

mmmhmmm. yep. sounds about right.

Just like Jerry Springer, I have final thoughts

2006-12-15T00:17:00.000-08:00

Now I'm the first to realize that I'm somewhat pathetic for loving someone who doesn't love me. I've never really thought that about anyone else but we all know the rules you have for yourself are always tougher. And if you all think I'm pathetic, well that's fine, too. It's all good.

As usual, I express my thoughts better in writing and so my final thoughts to B were given in letter form. Or will be I should say, tonight. I guess you get a sneak peak. And while I appreciate that any one of you may have thoughts about just what a loser I am for saying all this to him, I've turned off comments cause I don't think I can take actually hearing it. This is really more for me... my record of what I said. Some of this is from the letter I never gave him and some is from thoughts I've had for the last couple weeks and some is from our big old conversation on Wednesday.

Here we go...

Dear B,

I know this isn't goodbye forever but, I wanted to tell you a few things. I guess just some things to think about while you're, well, thinking. :) Some of them I said to you but they seemed important so I'm going to repeat myself ;)

First off, I love you. It certainly wasn't my plan to fall in love with you but I did and now I have to figure out where we go from here. Secondly, I know that someone, someday will make you very happy. I would love to be that woman but if not, then I hope when you find her you aren't afraid to let yourself love her. Third, love isn't just about butterflies and mushy feelings. That part is nice, don't get me wrong but at the end of the day, be with the woman who makes you laugh and who is loyal to you. And then, make her laugh and be loyal to her. Be her best friend and let her be your best friend. I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. And unfortunately, butterflies don't see you through the hard stuff. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It requires work and trust on your part. Or so I've been told. ;) I don't have any first hand knowledge of that but it's what I've seen in the marriages that I admire. The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return. No one woman will be everything to you, nor will you be everything to her but if you fit together and know how to work together, then you will both be stronger. If you can say that you're pretty happy with her 75% of the time, you're doing 25% better than most people!

I have loved having you in my life and however long we're apart I will miss you. It's been an adventure being with you and you will always have a part of my heart. And our little almost baby will always be in my heart. I'm still his mommy even if it was only for a moment. I will never forget him. I know you won't forget about him either. I'm still sad for the way it ended but it doesn't change the love I felt from moment I knew I was pregnant. I believe he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he was here with me now, but I look forward to the day that I can see his face. And if the planets align and I get to have a second chance at having a baby with you that would be the most amazing thing I could imagine. I love my daughter with all my heart but I have never once looked at man and thought "I want to have his baby." I hope you know how much it means to me and how much you mean to me, that I would even take the chance and say that.

There are so many things tied up with memories of you. I will always think of you when I see a baseball game or Family Guy. James Bond and Jack Black will always be "yours" somehow. In fact there are tons of movies and TV shows that will make me think of you. I've loved cooking for you and taking care of you in some small way. 6:30 will be a little sad when I won't hear you walk through the door for dinner. I've had fun doing the art walk with you and working on pictures together. And I've never cuddled so well with anyone :) I love the way my hand feels in yours (especially when I'm cold) and you have the perfect chest to lay my head on while we watch TV at my house. My life is better because you have been a part of it. It hasn't been perfect, but love isn't perfect... it just is.

There are a million things I could say about why I've enjoyed the last year so much and why it will be so hard to be apart from you but just know, that even knowing how it would turn out, I'm still glad for this last year together. I know we both have a lot of thinking to do about what our futures, whether together or apart, should be. But I'll also be thinking about you and I'll be missing you. You've been a big part of my everyday for the last year and it won't be easy to stop myself from picking up the phone to talk you about whatever silly thing is happening. I know this is for the best but it won't be easy. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me. I hope you decide you want to be that man. And just in case you ever wonder, remember that in that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...No matter what the future holds...

love always,
gail

PS: If you ever really need me, no matter what, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there. If you’re scared or hurt or just need me because you need me, I’m there. Always.

You've Got a Friend

2006-12-14T15:46:00.000-08:00

I love this song and I hope that all my friends who read this know that they do have a friend in me. I love you all so much. And I hope that just by the sheer act of posting this that my friends who don't read this blog will somehow just know that I will always try to be there for them whenever they need me.

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud now
and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Till we're blue in the face...

2006-12-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

We have talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Holy moly. We sure do know how to communicate. B's friend is coming to town this weekend so my final quiet weekend is no more. What is happening is that we are on a break. I don't know if it's a forever break or a for now break but a break it is. There is no one waiting the wings for either of us there is only a desire to make sure we are doing the right thing. And it's hard to say goodbye to someone who's a part of the everyday of your life. There are a million reasons to keep putting of the "break" but the truth is, he needs to know one way or the other if he wants to commit to me. I need to know for sure if he's really who I want. I put my heart on ice for a lot of years and maybe I don't know what I think I know. I do know this isn't easy for him or for me. We both have a lot to lose. But I told him, I want someone to look at me the way my friend Steph's new husband Zach, looks at her. She is his world. And it shows in the way he looks at her. I deserve that. And I want to have another baby. I told him that, too. I've said it before but this time I know he heard me. There are just things to think about. It doesn't mean that I won't go out with someone else if asked (if I want to go) and he is free to ask someone else out. We are taking a chance. But I really think that whatever happens, we'll be better for it. I think I know how I want this end but the reality is that I don't know what the future holds. And they way we take our break may not work for everyone but this is our lives and our relationship (whatever that means) and this only has to work for us. Me and him.

I am going to focus on what I want and I will be happy. I will be happy. That is simply what I deserve and I that is what I need to believe with my whole heart.

I'm going to watch the Secret. And I hope that it helps me truly learn how to have complete belief in all the good things the universe has in store for me.

After A While...

2006-12-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...

©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

So sore

2006-12-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

The wedding was lovely. The bride was stunning and the groom was handsome. The guests were well dressed and the music was great! All in all a great day.

But it was a long day. My back, as you may have read, has been somewhat "tweeked" for the last couple weeks and lugging equipment around and running up and down stairs and wandering all over The Mission Inn was, well, not so easy on my back. Or neck. Or calves. Did I mention I did all this in a fancy dress and pantyhose? I have not felt this sore in a long time. I have taken more than my fair share of OTC products and have prescription products waiting in the wings. I can't wait to go home and go to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep. I love sleep. It's the best. It's my most favorite thing to do by myself. Love.It.

But actually, I won't get to go to sleep right away. I have laundry to do, and photos to edit.

Plus there is the whole B thing. I know what I need to do. I just don't want to do it. And the only person I'm hurting is myself. I wish I had a switch that I could flip so that I could think of him as just a friend. But I don't. Does anyone know where I can get one of those installed?

One final Saturday morning cuddle

2006-12-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

In my head, this is the last Saturday morning cuddle that B and I got to share. I've woken up at his place every Saturday morning that we've both been here and after the wedding well, we're done. I'm sad but I'm trying to push it aside to get ready for the wedding. S&Z will have a beautiful wedding with beautiful pictures and I get to say goodbye to someone I love.

sigh.

I guess that's just life.

Workin for the weekend

2006-12-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

Literally. I'm shooting a wedding with Brian on Sunday :) I'm looking forward to it for lots of reasons. I'll get to be a part of my friends Steph and Zach's big day. I'll get to see my girls, NakedJen, Pinky and Sassy. Plus I get to make money doing what I love. All good and wonderful things. I think December 10th will be a great day.

That being said, I might not get in a blog post on Sunday. I'll try though! Tomorrow I can do one before we leave so Saturday will be covered. phew. I know I don't *have* to do one everyday but I actually like doing on everyday. It feels good to me :)

Hope you all are having a great Friday!

I work hard for the money

2006-12-07T12:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, not really. But see that's the thing. I'd rather be working hard at something I love than doing a half-assed job at something I don't love. It's tiring doing work you don't want to do just pay the bills.

So I need to manifest a new job. I would like a job that is creative and pays me well. I have lots to offer in the creativity department, I just need the right place to use me. So here we go universe, that's the type of job I want and I will let you do your thing now!

Thank you :)

Suddenly I See

2006-12-06T20:00:00.000-08:00

Some songs just make you think of all the wonderful women in your life. This is one of those songs :)

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

My back is still aching but I believe there's hope.

2006-12-05T08:53:00.000-08:00

Why? you ask. Well here's why. This morning, I was running late to work. I wasn't actually going to be late mind you but I left later than I like to. Parking at my work can be a nightmare if you are mearly "on time". So I like to be in the parking lot at least 15 minutes before I have to have my butt in the chair in front of my computer. This morning that was not going to happen. But I got into the parking lot at 8:25. 5 minutes to find a spot and walk to my office. I was about to fret that I wouldn't be able to find anything because it's the week before finals and every student at SBCC is at the campus. Every single one. However, instead of fretting, NakedJen's voice popped into my head and said "If I can manifest a cup of coffee, you can manifest a parking spot." So I stopped the fretting in my head and said "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." I drove all the way down to the end. Nothing. So I said it again. "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." The woman in front of me also wanted a parking spot. Someone pulled out. So the nice lady in front of me got a spot. I said "Thank you for giving her a spot. Now I would like my spot please." And 6 cars up, someone else pulled out and there it was. My spot. I manifested a parking spot. Thank you universe. And thank you NakedJen for reminding me that I can manifest parking spot.

Now I'm sure you're wondering how this has anything to do with my back. And making it all better. Well I have decided that if I can manifest a parking spot I can manifest back pain relief. "I would like a way to make my back healthy. This week please. Thank you."

Thank you.

Oh my aching back!

2006-12-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

I do believe it's time for a trip to the chiropracter. My back hates me right now and I just want it to be happy. Because a happy back = a happy gail. And really, who doesn't want a happy gail?

Denial

2006-12-03T18:00:00.000-08:00

I've found B's behavior this weekend fascinating. I guess he really thinks that come December 11th or 12th I'll still be here. I will forget my silly need for him to commit to me and just let things stay the way they are. And I suppose it would be fair to say that I'm tempted to do just that. His friend who's been crashing here will be leaving on the 15th. His roommate will be leaving on the 16th for a 3 week visit with his family. Which would be wonderful for B and me under normal circumstances. But not now. Normally I would be thrilled to have him and his place to ourselves. We would be able to relax and connect and just have a nice time, alone. Sans the normal audience we tend to have.

But I digress. This weekend's behavior was the topic at hand. While at breakfast with our friends he mentioned our friend Cassie's move to LA and how they had discussed taking me to Disneyland since I've never been. I'm not going to Disneyland with B. I'm not going anywhere with B. I have to walk away from this man so I don't see how a trip together is going to happen. I need a he-tox from him. I will wear NakedJen's boos patch and try not to think about how much I miss someone who won't even call me his girlfriend.

Why is that knowing something in your head and believing something in your heart are so different? I know in my head that leaving him is the right thing to do. I know in my head that I deserve a man who loves me and really wants to be with me and is proud to let people know I'm his girlfriend. My heart? Well my heart just wants to be with the person I love. And forget all about the fact that I should be loved in return.

Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps...

It's the little things...

2006-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

I just got a new cell phone! I've been doing a pay as you go plan where you basically have a month-to-month contract. It's was nice for the move and getting settled but now I have taken the leap and committed to the big 2 year contract with Cingular. The best part was the very cool new phone I got out of the deal! It takes pictures, (1.3 megapixals, so you could actually print a 4x6 if you wanted) and it can take video and it plays music! It's pretty darn cool if I do say so myself :D

Well I'm off to play with my phone some more! Have a great Saturday one and all!

I agree with Calvin

2006-12-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

Me, too buddy. Me, too.

The final day but not really

2006-11-30T12:53:00.000-08:00

So today is the 30th. I've done 30 posts in 30 days. Actually, I've done more since there were a few days I had more than one post but I posted everyday for the month of November even when I didn't have internet at home had go borrow other people's computers! I did it. I feel somewhat accomplished. And I'm planning to keep it up. I think I'm going to get No One Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. That will give me an other 100 days worth of ideas when I don't feel like I have anything to say.

Should be fun.

In the mean time. I'll just keep plugging along everyday because this has been wonderful for me. I had no idea how the month would go but now having this "snapshot" of the last 32 days (if you recall I started on Oct. 30th) has made me realize that good or bad, crazy or sane, I want to remember how I was feeling on any given day.

Because this is my life. And it will have great days and so-so days and downright terrible days but they are my days and that is all that matters.

And for those of you that have found this blog, thank you for reading and for commenting. I love you all.

xoxox,
gail

I am.

2006-11-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it.

I'll just keep saying it until I believe it 100%.

I love people who love fart machines.

2006-11-28T22:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes what we need to make a bad day bearable is some time with a girlfriend. Someone who understands your need to be obsessive over something you can't change and who will listen to you prattle on and on about it while you get your nails done. I have such a friend here in Santa Barbara and her name is Cassie.

Thank you Cassie for listening. And also for loving fart machines.

And thank you for being my friend.

Fear

2006-11-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

I was so terrified to ask B to step up and be the man I need. So I took back the letter. And then the overwhelming pain and sadness I felt was unbearable. I've felt crushed by the weight of worry and wondering and being scared. That's not what being in love is supposed to be. And so not 5 minutes after he left my house, I called him and told him everything I was feeling and what I really needed from him.

And he said he couldn't do it. That he has never felt like I was his girlfriend. So he would never be comfortable calling me that to other people. The more we talked the more I cried. And the worst part was all I really wanted was for him to hold me. Because there's something about being in his arms that rejuventes me. So down I drove to his work. Where he held me. And kissed me with a passion I haven't felt from him in months.

We're in a vicious pattern. One of us is going to have to break it. I know that it will have to be me.

And I'm just not ready to let him go.

And I hate myself for that.

Boring to almost anyone but me. :)

2006-11-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

There are times when I look at myself and ask why I do the things I do. I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning. There have only been 3 men in my life that I ever really wanted to love me.

My dad. I've always wanted my dad's love. I think I even had it for a while when I was little. In fact, I know I did. But then something happened, I grew up, I changed, he changed and suddenly I became very aware of the fact that he had stopped loving me. I think he loves me in the "you're my daughter so I have to" way but not in the way you want your dad to love you. And I know that has colored how I see myself.

A's father. I really loved him and I really wanted to be loved by him. I wanted us to be a family. We had A on the way and I thought, "He's the father of my child. Surely he loves me." But he didn't. He may have in his own way at some point but not in the way I loved him. It was painful to be rejected by him. I truly believed that if the father of my child couldn't love me and my own father couldn't love me, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.

And that's when I stopped trying. I dated. And I had guys that I really liked but I never let my guard down enough to allow them to reject me. I would reject myself for them in my head and that allowed me to stay safe. To protect myself from more proof that I couldn't be loved by a man. It worked pretty well all things considered for 13 years.

And then I met B. Guy least likely to turn my head. He seemed so sweet and different from the type of guy I usually dated. He caught me off guard. He wasn't what I thought I wanted at all and yet, I found myself falling for him. And falling in love with him. And being terrified that once again, I wouldn't be good enough. And then I thought, "Just be yourself. Trust him. Maybe he won't hurt you. Maybe he's the one you've been waiting for all this time." So I did. I trusted him. And hurt me, but somehow, we stayed together. And he hurt me again but still, there we were. There was an undeniable something that kept us together. And then we lost the baby. And things changed. I moved. We got closer. Or so I thought. Then one day, he said what I had been waiting for "Gail, let's just be friends. We're best friends. I don't want to lose that. I don't want you out of my life and I don't even want to close the door on a future but I can't commit to a future with you either. So let's just be best friends and take sex out of the relationship." I was shocked. And not. I had been waiting for this exact moment. I had expected it weeks before it came and when it didn't come, I thought maybe I was wrong. So we talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried. Both of us, not just me. He knew he was taking a chance by telling me this. He knew there was a chance that I would say, "I can't be your friend." And then we talked all night. Well, not exactly. You see, being emotional for some reason, gets him, ummm... well in the mood. I guess it's just wanting things to be normal when they feel out of control. And the fact that I am still in love with him made it more challenging to reject his advances. Weak girl that I am, I didn't. We said our I love yous. And then we slept. The next day was just as painful. I couldn't eat, I felt sick all day. I worried about the wedding that we had to shoot in 3 weeks (2 weeks now) and I wondered if I would be able to put on a happy face. That night, more talking, more crying. More sadness. And in the end, as I was about to get into my car, we kissed and I said "I'll see you on the 9th." I couldn't take it. Seeing him, talking to him, being near him was too painful. My heart was breaking a little more every time. And his eyes filled up with tears when I said that. I was keeping him from his best friend but it's what I knew I needed if I was going to be able to function. I cried all the way home. And there waiting in my inbox was an email from him: "I hope you got home ok... sleep tight. Get some good sleep and something nutritious for breakfast. I love you, -B" I emailed him back and said not to call me. If he needed to email me he could or he could send a text but no calls and no visits. I emailed him the next morning and gave him details he needed for the wedding, in part because I wanted to "talk" to him and in part because I wanted to get all of my excuses to talk to him out of the way. He responded saying I could call him or email him anytime, he didn't mind. And that's when I broke. I snapped. I realized that he had no idea what I was feeling so I told him. Flat out.

Here's what I said:
I know you don't mind. But I need to learn to live without you and that isn't easy for me. I miss you. I miss us. And it's only been 5 minutes. But the weekend is going to get here and for the first time we will both be in the same town and not together and I won't see you or cuddle with you or even get to go to a movie with you. That hurts to think about. Trying to not love you hurts. I'm just one big ball of pain (as is evidenced by my head and neck) and all I want is to sleep until the 9th or it stops hurting, whichever comes first. Everything just hurts in a way I didn't expect. It actually hurts to breathe right now. Knowing how much you want to date other people hurts. And that's not fair, you should want to date other people. But it hurts me to think about. I know it's different for you, for you, me dating would be a relief (I think) but that's just not how it is for me. And on the other side of that is wanting to know how you are and what you're thinking about and if you're ok and what you're doing. I want to call you and see how you're morning's going and if you're working on pictures. I want to tease you for playing linerider or watching TV instead of working on pictures. I want to know if you're getting your truck washed or if you fell in love with someone between last night and this afternoon. The idea of not having you in my life is so painful but the idea having to watch you be in love with someone tomorrow or next week or next month is even more painful. I have this horrible image in my head of you falling in love with someone today and never being able to see you again. Because what you don't know is that when someone comes along who gives you those butterflies that you want so much and does even more for you than I ever did, you won't want me around anymore. Because you won't need me for anything. She'll give you everything I have given you and more because you'll be in love with her. She'll be your best friend and there just won't be room for me in your life. And waiting for that to happen, knowing that some other girl could be with you in Prague and will get to meet your family and will be able to give you babies that you actually want, that just hurts. I hate not being enough and there's nothing I can change. This isn't something I can fix. I can't do anything to give you butterflies or make you feel giddy. Either I do or I don't, there isn't a magic pill I can take to change whatever it is about me that doesn't inspire that "giddy" feeling. My kisses can't excite you or melt you the way hers (the enventual "her") will. And I can't help not wanting to watch you get everything you want. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but when I know that I won't have that, well, watching you get it, just thinking about watching you get it, that hurts.

And that's when he called. Not even 12 hours after I said "Don't call" he called. In tears. And said "I can't take this. This hurts way too much to possibly be what I really want. Please forget everything I said. If I asked you to take me back, would you?" And that's where we ended up. We met for dinner and talked a little. But now I feel like I'm right back where I started. Unsure if I'm good enough to be loved. By him or by anyone else.

He hasn't read the letter. Because I asked him not to. I realized after having a massive panic attack that I wasn't ready to deal with the possibility of rejection. Not when we have to shoot this wedding in 2 weeks. So I asked him to wait. And hopefully, he will. I know that there is a chance that he will be ready to deal with what I want and that he will be happy to do what I've asked. And all this worry will have been for nothing. Actually, worry is always for nothing.

But I've realized something much bigger, if I'm not worth it to him, if I'm not good enough well then, neither is he. And I'm just going to have to love me enough to let him go. And I know that I'll say "never again" but we all know that's a lie. I'll let someone else in. Eventually. Maybe after I've really learned to love myself. I try. But I think I fail far more than I succeed. Someday. Someday I'll get it right.

All hail T

2006-11-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

My roommate. She brilliantly got the internet working again. Don't know how because I wasn't here but all that matters is that it's back!

Now I can avoid jail for doing bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication. Good deal.

Doesn't mean you won't see my on your metro page for going crazy somewhere else!

;)

Cox internet

2006-11-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

sucks ass. I'm so over it. I haven't had internet for 3 days. Do you know what that means? It means that I have to beg my friends to take pity on me so I can get my posts in on here. Because darn it... I am going to follow this through.

Even if it means begging for internet access. Or doign bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication.

Watch the metro section for my picture...

Black Friday

2006-11-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

I blissfull slept right through most of Black Friday but once I did wake up all was well because my stomache was finally feeling better. phew. I suspect that NakedJen was right and that stress more than anything else caused the issue to being with. Not much that can be done about that now so I'm glad my tummy and I are on speaking terms again.

I did actually get out of my house today. And I even braved the stores. I bought a couple things for me and couple things for other people. And I found out that we have Sephora in Santa Barbara! Who knew?! At Sephora, I found a perfume that I must have. Amazing Grace. First off the name is wonderful. Secondly, it smells more or less like nice soap and water so it doesn't make me want to gag. Both of those things are worth it to me.

I hope all of you who braved the stores today were successful and that when you get home you treat yourselves to some hot chocolate. It will help those tired feet. I promise!

Happy Thanksgiving?

2006-11-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

Only if you are not me I think. Then maybe it was a happy turkey day. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach pain. yuck. it's lasted all day and being more than 2 seconds from a bathroom would not have been the best plan. Not at all.

At any rate, it's almost over.

Let's hope that next year is a better one.

But I'm still thankful. For all the wonderful people in my life. And this year, I'm thankful that charmin is so soft.

Good night and happy thanksgiving to all of you.

It's out there now... and now, I wait.

2006-11-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

I gave B the letter before he left to go north today. I'm scared about what will happen but I guess it's better to know than not know. I hope he'll be brave.

I'm worth at least that much.

31

2006-11-22T11:55:00.000-08:00

I should be 31 weeks pregnant today. It sometimes bothers me that I'm still so sad about it. I guess part of me feels like I should be "over it" already but the truth is that it can take years. They've done actual studies and found that out. Who knew? I guess that's what makes this holiday season kinda tough for me. I really wish I was complaining about my back hurting or how big I feel or wondering what this birth would be like. I should be having people want to rub my belly or telling me their birthing horror stories. And I'm sick of "it happened for a reason". No, it didn't. It just happened.

I hate that I fell in love with someone I'll never meet. I miss someone I'll never know. And I ache to hold someone I never can. There's just no good reason for that. And now I'm a little less innocent. I'm a little more jaded. And I'm a lot more scared that if it ever happens again I won't be able to enjoy it for all the worry I'll have. There is something amazing about having a baby that I won't be able to enjoy in the same way because I know first hand what can go wrong. And that makes me sad. I want my innocence back.

n 1: the quality of innocent naivete [syn: artlessness, ingenuousness, naturalness] 2: the state of being free from sin or moral wrong; lacking a knowledge of evil [syn: purity, sinlessness] 3: a state or condition of being innocent of a specific crime or offense; "the trial established his innocence" [ant: guilt]

WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I want it to hold a baby, one that I get to carry and keep, for me. That is my greatest desire. My biggest wish. My hope.

Holly Homemaker

2006-11-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

I baked a pie. I really am such a good little woman.

ha!

Thankful

2006-11-20T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for my health
I'm thankful for my daughter
I'm thankful for my job
I'm thankful for my friends
I'm thankful I have money to pay my bills
I'm thankful for love
I'm thankful that even when I'm scared I don't stop loving
I'm thankful for CocaCola
I'm thankful for my car
I'm thankful I can read and write
I'm thankful for someone to visit on Thanksgiving
I'm thankful for my family
I'm thankful for a great place to live
I'm thankful for B. (even when I'm unsure that he's thankful for me)
I'm thankful for my camera
I'm thankful for my talents
I'm thankful that I get to see A. at Christmas
I'm thankful that I get to live at the beach
I'm thankful for art
I'm thankful for my computer
I'm thankful for the support I get from other people
I'm thankful that I'm smart
I'm thankful for good movies
I'm thankful for good TV shows
I'm thankful for music
I'm thankful for my iPod
I'm thankful for this blog
I'm thankful I read about the challenge that has inspired me to write in here everyday
I'm thankfu l I'm alive

What are you thankful for? Don't wait until Thursday to think about it... write it down now!

Chicken Little rides again

2006-11-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

That brilliantly worded letter I wrote? Remember that letter? Do you think I've given it to Brian? You do? Wait... have you met me?! Of course I haven't. I'm scared to. We've had the worst week. And I don't want to rock the boat.

What's a girl to do?

Well this girl is going to wait a little longer to flip the boat. Cause right now, I just can't take anymore relationship drama.

Bond. James Bond.

2006-11-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

We just got back from seeing the new Bond movie. Wow. If you haven't seen it, go. Go now. This was not only a great Bond movie but a great action movie in general. Very well done. Daniel Craig is a wonderful choice and will hopefully bring us many great Bond movies.

Enjoy your popcorn!

I love quotes… they say it so well ;)

2006-11-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

"Love can only be what you want it to be."

"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive."

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."

"And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God."

"If love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. There are some things you can't escape.

"Saying I love you is important, but not enough. Remember, love is a verb, an action word. Act on it."

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you."

Perhaps this will shed a little light. A letter to B...

2006-11-17T22:54:00.000-08:00

Dear B,

There are things I need to say and somehow, it's always easier for me write things out and then go from there. I do want to talk about all this but I thought this would be a good place to begin.

What a week. We've been on an extreme emotional rollercoaster and that is never easy. You said a lot of things on Monday night and I want to talk about some of them. But before I start on that, let me just say this, I love you. And I hope that you don’t read this and think “she’s not worth it.” Because I think that we are pretty good together and that we can be even better if we just try. So while you read this remember that you are loved by me and that I really want you to be happy.

You mentioned feeling like I deserved someone better, someone who loved me as much as I love them. You wanted me to have someone who cherished all the little things I do for them, who felt lucky to have me in their life. I agree. I deserve all those things and I deserve someone who feels that way. I would like that someone to be you but you have to want that, too. I don't expect overnight change or declarations of love and devotion but there are some things I think I need.

I need you to commit. Commit to trying. Commit to not being on any type of dating website. Commit to not IMing with other girls (in a sexual way, I have zero problem with you having female friends). Commit to being my boyfriend. I'm already your girlfriend. I try very hard to be the woman I think you deserve. I try to be loving and caring and kind and generous and affectionate and honest. And I try very hard to give you the best of me. I'm not saying you aren't those things. And only you know if you’re giving your best. But I think there comes a point when you have to say "I'm with Gail. I'm going to see what happens. I don't know if it will work out or be forever but I'm going to give this the best that I have to give because that's the only way to know for sure." I guess I want you to try and be the man you said you think I deserve. It means (to me) doing some little things, like changing your myspace to say "in a relationship". I realize that may seem silly to you but it’s something that would make me happy. It means, letting your friends and family know we're together. It means, introducing me as your girlfriend. It means not being afraid to love me just because you don't know if it's forever. It means being willing to be vulnerable and honest and letting me in. It means really trying to make it work. That doesn't mean it will but does mean that in the end, we will be able to say we tried, we gave it our best and that is all anyone can do. Sometimes we just have to act on faith. Faith that whatever we are meant to share with each other, we will.

I have no idea what the future holds. I know that you are in my life for a reason. I know that we have shared certain experiences for a reason and I know that we found each other for a reason. I can't picture not having you in my life and I certainly don't want to think about letting you go but if you can't give this a real honest effort or you just don't want to then I will walk away. I have to love myself enough to do that. I won't lie to you. Letting you go will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I love you too much to hold you back. And I love you too much to not want you to have every good and wonderful thing life has to offer. I think I'm good and wonderful for you and I try everyday to be that woman but what I give you is precious and if you don't love the gift you shouldn't keep it. Maybe no one will ever love the gifts I have to offer but I know they shouldn't be wasted on anyone who doesn't want to cherish them or at least doesn’t want to try and cherish them.

I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It will require work and trust on our parts. And it won't happen overnight. This is going to take time to grow, if it's going to grow. I hope you really understand that all I'm asking for at this moment is for you to say "I want to really try and see what happens." I expect nothing more right now.

I also think we need to relax some and have fun! That’s one of the best parts about us, we have fun when we’re together. I know this whole letter sounds like I’m saying “work, work, work!” but I’m not. I want us to enjoy each other and have fun together, too. We will end up wherever it is we're supposed to end up. I hope I end up in your arms. I love being there. I love having you in my arms. And I know that you love me. I don't question that. Let's see where this goes... it could go anywhere, friends, lovers, a fond memory... I don't know. I just know that I love you and I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you. And maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for us. Whaddya say… do you want to give it a try and see what happens?

love,

~me

Overheard

2006-11-16T22:39:00.000-08:00

"Being kind for no reason gets you far."

"But getting far doesn't always get you near."

If confusion had an address

2006-11-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

It would be my house. I'm quite confused about something and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is.

Ya know?

How do you mend broken heart?

2006-11-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

It's not just lyrics in a song... it's an actual question. Mt heart is quite broken at the moment and I just don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.

I wish more than anything, I could fix it.

eh

2006-11-13T23:55:00.000-08:00

today sucked.

The end.

Sunday night ramblings

2006-11-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

I know that I promised you all pictures today but I haven't even been home to download them. Sorry.

My Sunday however, I can tell you all about.

I woke up very late, 10:00am, which was not good since I was at that very moment supposed to be downtown watching football with my friend Tracy, not sleeping next to B who was still passed out. I quickly sent her a text message and said we would be there around halftime. Crawled back into bed and chatted with B for a bit and then got up and we had some breakfast.

He brought up Thanksgiving again and I think his guilt over not being willing to take me home caused him to make an offer he can't afford. He offered to help me buy a ticket to go home for that weekend but after looking at prices, we realized that it was just way too much money to fly home for a few days. I will most likely be here in Santa Barbara on my own for the weekend. I'm still sad about it but there isn't much I can do to change it.

We ended up going to watch the 2nd half of the game and the Redskins lost but the Chargers (Tracy's team) won so that was fun. After the game B and I went to see Borat and it was ok, kinda funny in some spots but not the best movie I've ever seen.

Now we're back home, after a lovely dinner and some ice cream and we're going to watch Serenity. Should be fun and quiet. I love these kinds of nights. :)

Showered in love

2006-11-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

My friend Stephanie, who is getting married on December 10th, had her shower today. It was lovely. There was laughter and tears and tons of pictures! Tomorrow, I'll share some of those pictures with you. But let me just say, she was showered in love... and the best part is, that's what happens every day she's with Zach.

Love really is grand. :)

It's almost time to party :)

2006-11-10T23:17:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I have the pleasure of getting to go to the bridal shower of my dear friend Stephanie and then it's on to my wonderful friend Pinky's birthday celebration! These girls are two of my BFFs (best friends forever ~ duh ;) ) and I'm thrilled I get to celebrate with both of them tomorrow.

And for Sunday's viewing pleasure there will be pictures of both events. I'd say there will be pictures tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy partying like a rock star to download pictures! But never fear, I'll be back on here some time tomorrow to post something for your reading pleasure. :)

smooches,
gaily-o

Pressure

2006-11-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to say today. I've got a lot on my mind and I'm not sure what I think about all of it.

There's a lot of pressure to do the right thing some times. I hope I don't break under the weight of it.

Tired

2006-11-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired right now I want to sleep for a month.

I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take. I'm ready to quit.

And no, I don't want to explain this particular post any further.