Wisdom is everywhere

When you're right, you're right. :)

Merry Christmas to All

And to all, a good night. :)

Friday. Of the "oh my god could it be any longer" fridays

All I can say is I'm glad the day is over and I'm even more glad that by this time tomorrow, I'll have my baby girl home with me and one of my best good friends with me for Christmas!

And at some point on Christmas day, I'll light a candle for the little angel that should be getting ready to make his appearance but is instead up in heaven.

I'll also make sure to hold the beautiful girl I have just a little closer.

I need a nap

A very long long long nap. I am so tired. There has to be a point at which I get to sleep. I hate having things twirling around in my head. I want sleep. 10 uninterupted hours of sleep. That's it. That's all I ask. Well, it's all I ask for now.

'Tis the season

Indeed.

One Quarter of a Century

My brother turned 25 yesterday. I should have posted about Eric yesterday but alas, I did not. Cricky (his nickname since he was a baby) has always been a sweet kid. Filled with massive amounts of energy and always into something. I think he had enough energy for 5 kids! He's always marched to the beat of his own drum. He's his own person. I don't always understand his choices but I love him beyond reason. He's my baby brother. The only Cricky I'll ever have and I adore him.

25 years ago, I became a big sister again... and I couldn't be happier that Cricky is here and happy and healthy and whole. That's all a big sister can ask for when she has a baby brother like Eric Joseph. :)

I love you Cricky!

Not all it's cracked up to be

Being right that is. It's just not all it's cracked up to be. I know I've done the right thing but that really doesn't make this hurt any less.

:(

Horror-scope

You may be running into trouble today, even if your intentions continue to be consistently honorable. A cascade of events can free you from the restraints of your own thoughts. You might as well buckle yourself to the nose of a rocket, for that is how you may feel. The exciting events now will eventually fit into a much larger framework of change. In the meantime, loosen up in the most constructive manner possible.

mmmhmmm. yep. sounds about right.

Just like Jerry Springer, I have final thoughts

Now I'm the first to realize that I'm somewhat pathetic for loving someone who doesn't love me. I've never really thought that about anyone else but we all know the rules you have for yourself are always tougher. And if you all think I'm pathetic, well that's fine, too. It's all good.

As usual, I express my thoughts better in writing and so my final thoughts to B were given in letter form. Or will be I should say, tonight. I guess you get a sneak peak. And while I appreciate that any one of you may have thoughts about just what a loser I am for saying all this to him, I've turned off comments cause I don't think I can take actually hearing it. This is really more for me... my record of what I said. Some of this is from the letter I never gave him and some is from thoughts I've had for the last couple weeks and some is from our big old conversation on Wednesday.

Here we go...

Dear B,

I know this isn't goodbye forever but, I wanted to tell you a few things. I guess just some things to think about while you're, well, thinking. :) Some of them I said to you but they seemed important so I'm going to repeat myself ;)

First off, I love you. It certainly wasn't my plan to fall in love with you but I did and now I have to figure out where we go from here. Secondly, I know that someone, someday will make you very happy. I would love to be that woman but if not, then I hope when you find her you aren't afraid to let yourself love her. Third, love isn't just about butterflies and mushy feelings. That part is nice, don't get me wrong but at the end of the day, be with the woman who makes you laugh and who is loyal to you. And then, make her laugh and be loyal to her. Be her best friend and let her be your best friend. I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. And unfortunately, butterflies don't see you through the hard stuff. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It requires work and trust on your part. Or so I've been told. ;) I don't have any first hand knowledge of that but it's what I've seen in the marriages that I admire. The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return. No one woman will be everything to you, nor will you be everything to her but if you fit together and know how to work together, then you will both be stronger. If you can say that you're pretty happy with her 75% of the time, you're doing 25% better than most people!

I have loved having you in my life and however long we're apart I will miss you. It's been an adventure being with you and you will always have a part of my heart. And our little almost baby will always be in my heart. I'm still his mommy even if it was only for a moment. I will never forget him. I know you won't forget about him either. I'm still sad for the way it ended but it doesn't change the love I felt from moment I knew I was pregnant. I believe he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he was here with me now, but I look forward to the day that I can see his face. And if the planets align and I get to have a second chance at having a baby with you that would be the most amazing thing I could imagine. I love my daughter with all my heart but I have never once looked at man and thought "I want to have his baby." I hope you know how much it means to me and how much you mean to me, that I would even take the chance and say that.

There are so many things tied up with memories of you. I will always think of you when I see a baseball game or Family Guy. James Bond and Jack Black will always be "yours" somehow. In fact there are tons of movies and TV shows that will make me think of you. I've loved cooking for you and taking care of you in some small way. 6:30 will be a little sad when I won't hear you walk through the door for dinner. I've had fun doing the art walk with you and working on pictures together. And I've never cuddled so well with anyone :) I love the way my hand feels in yours (especially when I'm cold) and you have the perfect chest to lay my head on while we watch TV at my house. My life is better because you have been a part of it. It hasn't been perfect, but love isn't perfect... it just is.

There are a million things I could say about why I've enjoyed the last year so much and why it will be so hard to be apart from you but just know, that even knowing how it would turn out, I'm still glad for this last year together. I know we both have a lot of thinking to do about what our futures, whether together or apart, should be. But I'll also be thinking about you and I'll be missing you. You've been a big part of my everyday for the last year and it won't be easy to stop myself from picking up the phone to talk you about whatever silly thing is happening. I know this is for the best but it won't be easy. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me. I hope you decide you want to be that man. And just in case you ever wonder, remember that in that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...No matter what the future holds...

love always,
gail

PS: If you ever really need me, no matter what, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there. If you’re scared or hurt or just need me because you need me, I’m there. Always.

You've Got a Friend

I love this song and I hope that all my friends who read this know that they do have a friend in me. I love you all so much. And I hope that just by the sheer act of posting this that my friends who don't read this blog will somehow just know that I will always try to be there for them whenever they need me.

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud now
and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Till we're blue in the face...

We have talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Holy moly. We sure do know how to communicate. B's friend is coming to town this weekend so my final quiet weekend is no more. What is happening is that we are on a break. I don't know if it's a forever break or a for now break but a break it is. There is no one waiting the wings for either of us there is only a desire to make sure we are doing the right thing. And it's hard to say goodbye to someone who's a part of the everyday of your life. There are a million reasons to keep putting of the "break" but the truth is, he needs to know one way or the other if he wants to commit to me. I need to know for sure if he's really who I want. I put my heart on ice for a lot of years and maybe I don't know what I think I know. I do know this isn't easy for him or for me. We both have a lot to lose. But I told him, I want someone to look at me the way my friend Steph's new husband Zach, looks at her. She is his world. And it shows in the way he looks at her. I deserve that. And I want to have another baby. I told him that, too. I've said it before but this time I know he heard me. There are just things to think about. It doesn't mean that I won't go out with someone else if asked (if I want to go) and he is free to ask someone else out. We are taking a chance. But I really think that whatever happens, we'll be better for it. I think I know how I want this end but the reality is that I don't know what the future holds. And they way we take our break may not work for everyone but this is our lives and our relationship (whatever that means) and this only has to work for us. Me and him.

I am going to focus on what I want and I will be happy. I will be happy. That is simply what I deserve and I that is what I need to believe with my whole heart.

I'm going to watch the Secret. And I hope that it helps me truly learn how to have complete belief in all the good things the universe has in store for me.

After A While...

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...



©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

So sore

The wedding was lovely. The bride was stunning and the groom was handsome. The guests were well dressed and the music was great! All in all a great day.

But it was a long day. My back, as you may have read, has been somewhat "tweeked" for the last couple weeks and lugging equipment around and running up and down stairs and wandering all over The Mission Inn was, well, not so easy on my back. Or neck. Or calves. Did I mention I did all this in a fancy dress and pantyhose? I have not felt this sore in a long time. I have taken more than my fair share of OTC products and have prescription products waiting in the wings. I can't wait to go home and go to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep. I love sleep. It's the best. It's my most favorite thing to do by myself. Love.It.

But actually, I won't get to go to sleep right away. I have laundry to do, and photos to edit.

Plus there is the whole B thing. I know what I need to do. I just don't want to do it. And the only person I'm hurting is myself. I wish I had a switch that I could flip so that I could think of him as just a friend. But I don't. Does anyone know where I can get one of those installed?

One final Saturday morning cuddle

In my head, this is the last Saturday morning cuddle that B and I got to share. I've woken up at his place every Saturday morning that we've both been here and after the wedding well, we're done. I'm sad but I'm trying to push it aside to get ready for the wedding. S&Z will have a beautiful wedding with beautiful pictures and I get to say goodbye to someone I love.

sigh.

I guess that's just life.

Workin for the weekend

Literally. I'm shooting a wedding with Brian on Sunday :) I'm looking forward to it for lots of reasons. I'll get to be a part of my friends Steph and Zach's big day. I'll get to see my girls, NakedJen, Pinky and Sassy. Plus I get to make money doing what I love. All good and wonderful things. I think December 10th will be a great day.

That being said, I might not get in a blog post on Sunday. I'll try though! Tomorrow I can do one before we leave so Saturday will be covered. phew. I know I don't *have* to do one everyday but I actually like doing on everyday. It feels good to me :)

Hope you all are having a great Friday!

I work hard for the money

Ok, not really. But see that's the thing. I'd rather be working hard at something I love than doing a half-assed job at something I don't love. It's tiring doing work you don't want to do just pay the bills.

So I need to manifest a new job. I would like a job that is creative and pays me well. I have lots to offer in the creativity department, I just need the right place to use me. So here we go universe, that's the type of job I want and I will let you do your thing now!

Thank you :)

Suddenly I See

Some songs just make you think of all the wonderful women in your life. This is one of those songs :)

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

My back is still aching but I believe there's hope.

Why? you ask. Well here's why. This morning, I was running late to work. I wasn't actually going to be late mind you but I left later than I like to. Parking at my work can be a nightmare if you are mearly "on time". So I like to be in the parking lot at least 15 minutes before I have to have my butt in the chair in front of my computer. This morning that was not going to happen. But I got into the parking lot at 8:25. 5 minutes to find a spot and walk to my office. I was about to fret that I wouldn't be able to find anything because it's the week before finals and every student at SBCC is at the campus. Every single one. However, instead of fretting, NakedJen's voice popped into my head and said "If I can manifest a cup of coffee, you can manifest a parking spot." So I stopped the fretting in my head and said "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." I drove all the way down to the end. Nothing. So I said it again. "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." The woman in front of me also wanted a parking spot. Someone pulled out. So the nice lady in front of me got a spot. I said "Thank you for giving her a spot. Now I would like my spot please." And 6 cars up, someone else pulled out and there it was. My spot. I manifested a parking spot. Thank you universe. And thank you NakedJen for reminding me that I can manifest parking spot.

Now I'm sure you're wondering how this has anything to do with my back. And making it all better. Well I have decided that if I can manifest a parking spot I can manifest back pain relief. "I would like a way to make my back healthy. This week please. Thank you."

Thank you.

Oh my aching back!

I do believe it's time for a trip to the chiropracter. My back hates me right now and I just want it to be happy. Because a happy back = a happy gail. And really, who doesn't want a happy gail?

Denial

I've found B's behavior this weekend fascinating. I guess he really thinks that come December 11th or 12th I'll still be here. I will forget my silly need for him to commit to me and just let things stay the way they are. And I suppose it would be fair to say that I'm tempted to do just that. His friend who's been crashing here will be leaving on the 15th. His roommate will be leaving on the 16th for a 3 week visit with his family. Which would be wonderful for B and me under normal circumstances. But not now. Normally I would be thrilled to have him and his place to ourselves. We would be able to relax and connect and just have a nice time, alone. Sans the normal audience we tend to have.

But I digress. This weekend's behavior was the topic at hand. While at breakfast with our friends he mentioned our friend Cassie's move to LA and how they had discussed taking me to Disneyland since I've never been. I'm not going to Disneyland with B. I'm not going anywhere with B. I have to walk away from this man so I don't see how a trip together is going to happen. I need a he-tox from him. I will wear NakedJen's boos patch and try not to think about how much I miss someone who won't even call me his girlfriend.

Why is that knowing something in your head and believing something in your heart are so different? I know in my head that leaving him is the right thing to do. I know in my head that I deserve a man who loves me and really wants to be with me and is proud to let people know I'm his girlfriend. My heart? Well my heart just wants to be with the person I love. And forget all about the fact that I should be loved in return.

Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps...

It's the little things...

I just got a new cell phone! I've been doing a pay as you go plan where you basically have a month-to-month contract. It's was nice for the move and getting settled but now I have taken the leap and committed to the big 2 year contract with Cingular. The best part was the very cool new phone I got out of the deal! It takes pictures, (1.3 megapixals, so you could actually print a 4x6 if you wanted) and it can take video and it plays music! It's pretty darn cool if I do say so myself :D

Well I'm off to play with my phone some more! Have a great Saturday one and all!

I agree with Calvin

Me, too buddy. Me, too.