I've found B's behavior this weekend fascinating. I guess he really thinks that come December 11th or 12th I'll still be here. I will forget my silly need for him to commit to me and just let things stay the way they are. And I suppose it would be fair to say that I'm tempted to do just that. His friend who's been crashing here will be leaving on the 15th. His roommate will be leaving on the 16th for a 3 week visit with his family. Which would be wonderful for B and me under normal circumstances. But not now. Normally I would be thrilled to have him and his place to ourselves. We would be able to relax and connect and just have a nice time, alone. Sans the normal audience we tend to have.
But I digress. This weekend's behavior was the topic at hand. While at breakfast with our friends he mentioned our friend Cassie's move to LA and how they had discussed taking me to Disneyland since I've never been. I'm not going to Disneyland with B. I'm not going anywhere with B. I have to walk away from this man so I don't see how a trip together is going to happen. I need a he-tox from him. I will wear NakedJen's boos patch and try not to think about how much I miss someone who won't even call me his girlfriend.
Why is that knowing something in your head and believing something in your heart are so different? I know in my head that leaving him is the right thing to do. I know in my head that I deserve a man who loves me and really wants to be with me and is proud to let people know I'm his girlfriend. My heart? Well my heart just wants to be with the person I love. And forget all about the fact that I should be loved in return.
Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps...