Sunday, December 03, 2006

Denial

I've found B's behavior this weekend fascinating. I guess he really thinks that come December 11th or 12th I'll still be here. I will forget my silly need for him to commit to me and just let things stay the way they are. And I suppose it would be fair to say that I'm tempted to do just that. His friend who's been crashing here will be leaving on the 15th. His roommate will be leaving on the 16th for a 3 week visit with his family. Which would be wonderful for B and me under normal circumstances. But not now. Normally I would be thrilled to have him and his place to ourselves. We would be able to relax and connect and just have a nice time, alone. Sans the normal audience we tend to have.

But I digress. This weekend's behavior was the topic at hand. While at breakfast with our friends he mentioned our friend Cassie's move to LA and how they had discussed taking me to Disneyland since I've never been. I'm not going to Disneyland with B. I'm not going anywhere with B. I have to walk away from this man so I don't see how a trip together is going to happen. I need a he-tox from him. I will wear NakedJen's boos patch and try not to think about how much I miss someone who won't even call me his girlfriend.

Why is that knowing something in your head and believing something in your heart are so different? I know in my head that leaving him is the right thing to do. I know in my head that I deserve a man who loves me and really wants to be with me and is proud to let people know I'm his girlfriend. My heart? Well my heart just wants to be with the person I love. And forget all about the fact that I should be loved in return.

Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps...

2 comments:

nakedjen said...

you are addicted, gail. and yes, you need a big fat BOOS patch. extra-strength. the biggest fattest one i can possibly construct.

think about it this way. he rises to the occasion very well. but then he also fails you miserably when it comes to the REAL AND NECESSARY things that you want and deserve every single day.

the little things. it's the little things that you really do deserve and he can't deliver. or refuses to deliver, more importantly. because he COULD. he chooses not to do so.

so you get to choose to move on. and be loved by someone COMPLETELY.

that's the crux of this. COMPLETELY. someone who completes you and loves you exactly as you are completely. 100%. without any reservations.

end of story.

Gail said...

When you're right, you're right. And you're usually right.

Think you can build that patch in less than a week?