We have talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Holy moly. We sure do know how to communicate. B's friend is coming to town this weekend so my final quiet weekend is no more. What is happening is that we are on a break. I don't know if it's a forever break or a for now break but a break it is. There is no one waiting the wings for either of us there is only a desire to make sure we are doing the right thing. And it's hard to say goodbye to someone who's a part of the everyday of your life. There are a million reasons to keep putting of the "break" but the truth is, he needs to know one way or the other if he wants to commit to me. I need to know for sure if he's really who I want. I put my heart on ice for a lot of years and maybe I don't know what I think I know. I do know this isn't easy for him or for me. We both have a lot to lose. But I told him, I want someone to look at me the way my friend Steph's new husband Zach, looks at her. She is his world. And it shows in the way he looks at her. I deserve that. And I want to have another baby. I told him that, too. I've said it before but this time I know he heard me. There are just things to think about. It doesn't mean that I won't go out with someone else if asked (if I want to go) and he is free to ask someone else out. We are taking a chance. But I really think that whatever happens, we'll be better for it. I think I know how I want this end but the reality is that I don't know what the future holds. And they way we take our break may not work for everyone but this is our lives and our relationship (whatever that means) and this only has to work for us. Me and him.
I am going to focus on what I want and I will be happy. I will be happy. That is simply what I deserve and I that is what I need to believe with my whole heart.
I'm going to watch the Secret. And I hope that it helps me truly learn how to have complete belief in all the good things the universe has in store for me.