Thursday, November 30, 2006
Should be fun.
In the mean time. I'll just keep plugging along everyday because this has been wonderful for me. I had no idea how the month would go but now having this "snapshot" of the last 32 days (if you recall I started on Oct. 30th) has made me realize that good or bad, crazy or sane, I want to remember how I was feeling on any given day.
Because this is my life. And it will have great days and so-so days and downright terrible days but they are my days and that is all that matters.
And for those of you that have found this blog, thank you for reading and for commenting. I love you all.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
I'll just keep saying it until I believe it 100%.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Thank you Cassie for listening. And also for loving fart machines.
And thank you for being my friend.
Monday, November 27, 2006
And he said he couldn't do it. That he has never felt like I was his girlfriend. So he would never be comfortable calling me that to other people. The more we talked the more I cried. And the worst part was all I really wanted was for him to hold me. Because there's something about being in his arms that rejuventes me. So down I drove to his work. Where he held me. And kissed me with a passion I haven't felt from him in months.
We're in a vicious pattern. One of us is going to have to break it. I know that it will have to be me.
And I'm just not ready to let him go.
And I hate myself for that.
My dad. I've always wanted my dad's love. I think I even had it for a while when I was little. In fact, I know I did. But then something happened, I grew up, I changed, he changed and suddenly I became very aware of the fact that he had stopped loving me. I think he loves me in the "you're my daughter so I have to" way but not in the way you want your dad to love you. And I know that has colored how I see myself.
A's father. I really loved him and I really wanted to be loved by him. I wanted us to be a family. We had A on the way and I thought, "He's the father of my child. Surely he loves me." But he didn't. He may have in his own way at some point but not in the way I loved him. It was painful to be rejected by him. I truly believed that if the father of my child couldn't love me and my own father couldn't love me, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.
And that's when I stopped trying. I dated. And I had guys that I really liked but I never let my guard down enough to allow them to reject me. I would reject myself for them in my head and that allowed me to stay safe. To protect myself from more proof that I couldn't be loved by a man. It worked pretty well all things considered for 13 years.
And then I met B. Guy least likely to turn my head. He seemed so sweet and different from the type of guy I usually dated. He caught me off guard. He wasn't what I thought I wanted at all and yet, I found myself falling for him. And falling in love with him. And being terrified that once again, I wouldn't be good enough. And then I thought, "Just be yourself. Trust him. Maybe he won't hurt you. Maybe he's the one you've been waiting for all this time." So I did. I trusted him. And hurt me, but somehow, we stayed together. And he hurt me again but still, there we were. There was an undeniable something that kept us together. And then we lost the baby. And things changed. I moved. We got closer. Or so I thought. Then one day, he said what I had been waiting for "Gail, let's just be friends. We're best friends. I don't want to lose that. I don't want you out of my life and I don't even want to close the door on a future but I can't commit to a future with you either. So let's just be best friends and take sex out of the relationship." I was shocked. And not. I had been waiting for this exact moment. I had expected it weeks before it came and when it didn't come, I thought maybe I was wrong. So we talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried. Both of us, not just me. He knew he was taking a chance by telling me this. He knew there was a chance that I would say, "I can't be your friend." And then we talked all night. Well, not exactly. You see, being emotional for some reason, gets him, ummm... well in the mood. I guess it's just wanting things to be normal when they feel out of control. And the fact that I am still in love with him made it more challenging to reject his advances. Weak girl that I am, I didn't. We said our I love yous. And then we slept. The next day was just as painful. I couldn't eat, I felt sick all day. I worried about the wedding that we had to shoot in 3 weeks (2 weeks now) and I wondered if I would be able to put on a happy face. That night, more talking, more crying. More sadness. And in the end, as I was about to get into my car, we kissed and I said "I'll see you on the 9th." I couldn't take it. Seeing him, talking to him, being near him was too painful. My heart was breaking a little more every time. And his eyes filled up with tears when I said that. I was keeping him from his best friend but it's what I knew I needed if I was going to be able to function. I cried all the way home. And there waiting in my inbox was an email from him: "I hope you got home ok... sleep tight. Get some good sleep and something nutritious for breakfast. I love you, -B" I emailed him back and said not to call me. If he needed to email me he could or he could send a text but no calls and no visits. I emailed him the next morning and gave him details he needed for the wedding, in part because I wanted to "talk" to him and in part because I wanted to get all of my excuses to talk to him out of the way. He responded saying I could call him or email him anytime, he didn't mind. And that's when I broke. I snapped. I realized that he had no idea what I was feeling so I told him. Flat out.
Here's what I said:
I know you don't mind. But I need to learn to live without you and that isn't easy for me. I miss you. I miss us. And it's only been 5 minutes. But the weekend is going to get here and for the first time we will both be in the same town and not together and I won't see you or cuddle with you or even get to go to a movie with you. That hurts to think about. Trying to not love you hurts. I'm just one big ball of pain (as is evidenced by my head and neck) and all I want is to sleep until the 9th or it stops hurting, whichever comes first. Everything just hurts in a way I didn't expect. It actually hurts to breathe right now. Knowing how much you want to date other people hurts. And that's not fair, you should want to date other people. But it hurts me to think about. I know it's different for you, for you, me dating would be a relief (I think) but that's just not how it is for me. And on the other side of that is wanting to know how you are and what you're thinking about and if you're ok and what you're doing. I want to call you and see how you're morning's going and if you're working on pictures. I want to tease you for playing linerider or watching TV instead of working on pictures. I want to know if you're getting your truck washed or if you fell in love with someone between last night and this afternoon. The idea of not having you in my life is so painful but the idea having to watch you be in love with someone tomorrow or next week or next month is even more painful. I have this horrible image in my head of you falling in love with someone today and never being able to see you again. Because what you don't know is that when someone comes along who gives you those butterflies that you want so much and does even more for you than I ever did, you won't want me around anymore. Because you won't need me for anything. She'll give you everything I have given you and more because you'll be in love with her. She'll be your best friend and there just won't be room for me in your life. And waiting for that to happen, knowing that some other girl could be with you in Prague and will get to meet your family and will be able to give you babies that you actually want, that just hurts. I hate not being enough and there's nothing I can change. This isn't something I can fix. I can't do anything to give you butterflies or make you feel giddy. Either I do or I don't, there isn't a magic pill I can take to change whatever it is about me that doesn't inspire that "giddy" feeling. My kisses can't excite you or melt you the way hers (the enventual "her") will. And I can't help not wanting to watch you get everything you want. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but when I know that I won't have that, well, watching you get it, just thinking about watching you get it, that hurts.
And that's when he called. Not even 12 hours after I said "Don't call" he called. In tears. And said "I can't take this. This hurts way too much to possibly be what I really want. Please forget everything I said. If I asked you to take me back, would you?" And that's where we ended up. We met for dinner and talked a little. But now I feel like I'm right back where I started. Unsure if I'm good enough to be loved. By him or by anyone else.
He hasn't read the letter. Because I asked him not to. I realized after having a massive panic attack that I wasn't ready to deal with the possibility of rejection. Not when we have to shoot this wedding in 2 weeks. So I asked him to wait. And hopefully, he will. I know that there is a chance that he will be ready to deal with what I want and that he will be happy to do what I've asked. And all this worry will have been for nothing. Actually, worry is always for nothing.
But I've realized something much bigger, if I'm not worth it to him, if I'm not good enough well then, neither is he. And I'm just going to have to love me enough to let him go. And I know that I'll say "never again" but we all know that's a lie. I'll let someone else in. Eventually. Maybe after I've really learned to love myself. I try. But I think I fail far more than I succeed. Someday. Someday I'll get it right.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Now I can avoid jail for doing bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication. Good deal.
Doesn't mean you won't see my on your metro page for going crazy somewhere else!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Even if it means begging for internet access. Or doign bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication.
Watch the metro section for my picture...
Friday, November 24, 2006
I did actually get out of my house today. And I even braved the stores. I bought a couple things for me and couple things for other people. And I found out that we have Sephora in Santa Barbara! Who knew?! At Sephora, I found a perfume that I must have. Amazing Grace. First off the name is wonderful. Secondly, it smells more or less like nice soap and water so it doesn't make me want to gag. Both of those things are worth it to me.
I hope all of you who braved the stores today were successful and that when you get home you treat yourselves to some hot chocolate. It will help those tired feet. I promise!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
At any rate, it's almost over.
Let's hope that next year is a better one.
But I'm still thankful. For all the wonderful people in my life. And this year, I'm thankful that charmin is so soft.
Good night and happy thanksgiving to all of you.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I hate that I fell in love with someone I'll never meet. I miss someone I'll never know. And I ache to hold someone I never can. There's just no good reason for that. And now I'm a little less innocent. I'm a little more jaded. And I'm a lot more scared that if it ever happens again I won't be able to enjoy it for all the worry I'll have. There is something amazing about having a baby that I won't be able to enjoy in the same way because I know first hand what can go wrong. And that makes me sad. I want my innocence back.
n 1: the quality of innocent naivete [syn: artlessness, ingenuousness, naturalness] 2: the state of being free from sin or moral wrong; lacking a knowledge of evil [syn: purity, sinlessness] 3: a state or condition of being innocent of a specific crime or offense; "the trial established his innocence" [ant: guilt]WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University
I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I want it to hold a baby, one that I get to carry and keep, for me. That is my greatest desire. My biggest wish. My hope.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
- I'm thankful for my health
- I'm thankful for my daughter
- I'm thankful for my job
- I'm thankful for my friends
- I'm thankful I have money to pay my bills
- I'm thankful for love
- I'm thankful that even when I'm scared I don't stop loving
- I'm thankful for CocaCola
- I'm thankful for my car
- I'm thankful I can read and write
- I'm thankful for someone to visit on Thanksgiving
- I'm thankful for my family
- I'm thankful for a great place to live
- I'm thankful for B. (even when I'm unsure that he's thankful for me)
- I'm thankful for my camera
- I'm thankful for my talents
- I'm thankful that I get to see A. at Christmas
- I'm thankful that I get to live at the beach
- I'm thankful for art
- I'm thankful for my computer
- I'm thankful for the support I get from other people
- I'm thankful that I'm smart
- I'm thankful for good movies
- I'm thankful for good TV shows
- I'm thankful for music
- I'm thankful for my iPod
- I'm thankful for this blog
- I'm thankful I read about the challenge that has inspired me to write in here everyday
- I'm thankfu l I'm alive
What are you thankful for? Don't wait until Thursday to think about it... write it down now!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
What's a girl to do?
Well this girl is going to wait a little longer to flip the boat. Cause right now, I just can't take anymore relationship drama.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Enjoy your popcorn!
Friday, November 17, 2006
"Love can only be what you want it to be."
"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive."
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."
"And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God."
"If love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"
"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. There are some things you can't escape.
"Saying I love you is important, but not enough. Remember, love is a verb, an action word. Act on it."
"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you."
There are things I need to say and somehow, it's always easier for me write things out and then go from there. I do want to talk about all this but I thought this would be a good place to begin.
What a week. We've been on an extreme emotional rollercoaster and that is never easy. You said a lot of things on Monday night and I want to talk about some of them. But before I start on that, let me just say this, I love you. And I hope that you don’t read this and think “she’s not worth it.” Because I think that we are pretty good together and that we can be even better if we just try. So while you read this remember that you are loved by me and that I really want you to be happy.
You mentioned feeling like I deserved someone better, someone who loved me as much as I love them. You wanted me to have someone who cherished all the little things I do for them, who felt lucky to have me in their life. I agree. I deserve all those things and I deserve someone who feels that way. I would like that someone to be you but you have to want that, too. I don't expect overnight change or declarations of love and devotion but there are some things I think I need.
I need you to commit. Commit to trying. Commit to not being on any type of dating website. Commit to not IMing with other girls (in a sexual way, I have zero problem with you having female friends). Commit to being my boyfriend. I'm already your girlfriend. I try very hard to be the woman I think you deserve. I try to be loving and caring and kind and generous and affectionate and honest. And I try very hard to give you the best of me. I'm not saying you aren't those things. And only you know if you’re giving your best. But I think there comes a point when you have to say "I'm with Gail. I'm going to see what happens. I don't know if it will work out or be forever but I'm going to give this the best that I have to give because that's the only way to know for sure." I guess I want you to try and be the man you said you think I deserve. It means (to me) doing some little things, like changing your myspace to say "in a relationship". I realize that may seem silly to you but it’s something that would make me happy. It means, letting your friends and family know we're together. It means, introducing me as your girlfriend. It means not being afraid to love me just because you don't know if it's forever. It means being willing to be vulnerable and honest and letting me in. It means really trying to make it work. That doesn't mean it will but does mean that in the end, we will be able to say we tried, we gave it our best and that is all anyone can do. Sometimes we just have to act on faith. Faith that whatever we are meant to share with each other, we will.
I have no idea what the future holds. I know that you are in my life for a reason. I know that we have shared certain experiences for a reason and I know that we found each other for a reason. I can't picture not having you in my life and I certainly don't want to think about letting you go but if you can't give this a real honest effort or you just don't want to then I will walk away. I have to love myself enough to do that. I won't lie to you. Letting you go will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I love you too much to hold you back. And I love you too much to not want you to have every good and wonderful thing life has to offer. I think I'm good and wonderful for you and I try everyday to be that woman but what I give you is precious and if you don't love the gift you shouldn't keep it. Maybe no one will ever love the gifts I have to offer but I know they shouldn't be wasted on anyone who doesn't want to cherish them or at least doesn’t want to try and cherish them.
I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It will require work and trust on our parts. And it won't happen overnight. This is going to take time to grow, if it's going to grow. I hope you really understand that all I'm asking for at this moment is for you to say "I want to really try and see what happens." I expect nothing more right now.
I also think we need to relax some and have fun! That’s one of the best parts about us, we have fun when we’re together. I know this whole letter sounds like I’m saying “work, work, work!” but I’m not. I want us to enjoy each other and have fun together, too. We will end up wherever it is we're supposed to end up. I hope I end up in your arms. I love being there. I love having you in my arms. And I know that you love me. I don't question that. Let's see where this goes... it could go anywhere, friends, lovers, a fond memory... I don't know. I just know that I love you and I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you. And maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for us. Whaddya say… do you want to give it a try and see what happens?love,
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Sunday, November 12, 2006
My Sunday however, I can tell you all about.
I woke up very late, 10:00am, which was not good since I was at that very moment supposed to be downtown watching football with my friend Tracy, not sleeping next to B who was still passed out. I quickly sent her a text message and said we would be there around halftime. Crawled back into bed and chatted with B for a bit and then got up and we had some breakfast.
He brought up Thanksgiving again and I think his guilt over not being willing to take me home caused him to make an offer he can't afford. He offered to help me buy a ticket to go home for that weekend but after looking at prices, we realized that it was just way too much money to fly home for a few days. I will most likely be here in Santa Barbara on my own for the weekend. I'm still sad about it but there isn't much I can do to change it.
We ended up going to watch the 2nd half of the game and the Redskins lost but the Chargers (Tracy's team) won so that was fun. After the game B and I went to see Borat and it was ok, kinda funny in some spots but not the best movie I've ever seen.
Now we're back home, after a lovely dinner and some ice cream and we're going to watch Serenity. Should be fun and quiet. I love these kinds of nights. :)
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Love really is grand. :)
Friday, November 10, 2006
And for Sunday's viewing pleasure there will be pictures of both events. I'd say there will be pictures tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy partying like a rock star to download pictures! But never fear, I'll be back on here some time tomorrow to post something for your reading pleasure. :)
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Monday, November 06, 2006
Sunday, November 05, 2006
And really, I can't complain. Life is good.
The Redskins have beaten the Cowboys and all is right in my world.
Hail to the Redskins!
Saturday, November 04, 2006
But now, we're up and the day has begun. I don't know exactly what it will hold but I know it started well. And that is enough.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Relationships are hard. But I'm also not willing to give up that wonderful feeling I have when the alarm goes off and he rolls over to wrap his arms around me and snuggle for just 5 more minutes. Or the way he makes me laugh so much over the silliest things. Or the tingle I still get when he kisses me. There's too much good to give up but I need to be brave and ask for what I need sometimes. I'm way to good at letting things slide in a relationship just for the sake of not "rocking the boat" but sometimes, the boat needs to be rocked a little.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I don't know anymore.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
And so we begin.
For those of you who are wondering, that lovely time of the month has yet to arrive. I'm still not pregnant so I'd really like my body to get on the stick and do it's job.
For those of you that weren't wondering that, well... I don't know what to tell you.
Happy Wednesday... that's what I'll tell you!