Friday, December 15, 2006

Just like Jerry Springer, I have final thoughts

Now I'm the first to realize that I'm somewhat pathetic for loving someone who doesn't love me. I've never really thought that about anyone else but we all know the rules you have for yourself are always tougher. And if you all think I'm pathetic, well that's fine, too. It's all good.

As usual, I express my thoughts better in writing and so my final thoughts to B were given in letter form. Or will be I should say, tonight. I guess you get a sneak peak. And while I appreciate that any one of you may have thoughts about just what a loser I am for saying all this to him, I've turned off comments cause I don't think I can take actually hearing it. This is really more for me... my record of what I said. Some of this is from the letter I never gave him and some is from thoughts I've had for the last couple weeks and some is from our big old conversation on Wednesday.

Here we go...

Dear B,

I know this isn't goodbye forever but, I wanted to tell you a few things. I guess just some things to think about while you're, well, thinking. :) Some of them I said to you but they seemed important so I'm going to repeat myself ;)

First off, I love you. It certainly wasn't my plan to fall in love with you but I did and now I have to figure out where we go from here. Secondly, I know that someone, someday will make you very happy. I would love to be that woman but if not, then I hope when you find her you aren't afraid to let yourself love her. Third, love isn't just about butterflies and mushy feelings. That part is nice, don't get me wrong but at the end of the day, be with the woman who makes you laugh and who is loyal to you. And then, make her laugh and be loyal to her. Be her best friend and let her be your best friend. I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. And unfortunately, butterflies don't see you through the hard stuff. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It requires work and trust on your part. Or so I've been told. ;) I don't have any first hand knowledge of that but it's what I've seen in the marriages that I admire. The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return. No one woman will be everything to you, nor will you be everything to her but if you fit together and know how to work together, then you will both be stronger. If you can say that you're pretty happy with her 75% of the time, you're doing 25% better than most people!

I have loved having you in my life and however long we're apart I will miss you. It's been an adventure being with you and you will always have a part of my heart. And our little almost baby will always be in my heart. I'm still his mommy even if it was only for a moment. I will never forget him. I know you won't forget about him either. I'm still sad for the way it ended but it doesn't change the love I felt from moment I knew I was pregnant. I believe he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he was here with me now, but I look forward to the day that I can see his face. And if the planets align and I get to have a second chance at having a baby with you that would be the most amazing thing I could imagine. I love my daughter with all my heart but I have never once looked at man and thought "I want to have his baby." I hope you know how much it means to me and how much you mean to me, that I would even take the chance and say that.

There are so many things tied up with memories of you. I will always think of you when I see a baseball game or Family Guy. James Bond and Jack Black will always be "yours" somehow. In fact there are tons of movies and TV shows that will make me think of you. I've loved cooking for you and taking care of you in some small way. 6:30 will be a little sad when I won't hear you walk through the door for dinner. I've had fun doing the art walk with you and working on pictures together. And I've never cuddled so well with anyone :) I love the way my hand feels in yours (especially when I'm cold) and you have the perfect chest to lay my head on while we watch TV at my house. My life is better because you have been a part of it. It hasn't been perfect, but love isn't perfect... it just is.

There are a million things I could say about why I've enjoyed the last year so much and why it will be so hard to be apart from you but just know, that even knowing how it would turn out, I'm still glad for this last year together. I know we both have a lot of thinking to do about what our futures, whether together or apart, should be. But I'll also be thinking about you and I'll be missing you. You've been a big part of my everyday for the last year and it won't be easy to stop myself from picking up the phone to talk you about whatever silly thing is happening. I know this is for the best but it won't be easy. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me. I hope you decide you want to be that man. And just in case you ever wonder, remember that in that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...No matter what the future holds...

love always,

PS: If you ever really need me, no matter what, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there. If you’re scared or hurt or just need me because you need me, I’m there. Always.