Wisdom is everywhere

When you're right, you're right. :)

Merry Christmas to All

And to all, a good night. :)

Friday. Of the "oh my god could it be any longer" fridays

All I can say is I'm glad the day is over and I'm even more glad that by this time tomorrow, I'll have my baby girl home with me and one of my best good friends with me for Christmas!

And at some point on Christmas day, I'll light a candle for the little angel that should be getting ready to make his appearance but is instead up in heaven.

I'll also make sure to hold the beautiful girl I have just a little closer.

I need a nap

A very long long long nap. I am so tired. There has to be a point at which I get to sleep. I hate having things twirling around in my head. I want sleep. 10 uninterupted hours of sleep. That's it. That's all I ask. Well, it's all I ask for now.

'Tis the season

Indeed.

One Quarter of a Century

My brother turned 25 yesterday. I should have posted about Eric yesterday but alas, I did not. Cricky (his nickname since he was a baby) has always been a sweet kid. Filled with massive amounts of energy and always into something. I think he had enough energy for 5 kids! He's always marched to the beat of his own drum. He's his own person. I don't always understand his choices but I love him beyond reason. He's my baby brother. The only Cricky I'll ever have and I adore him.

25 years ago, I became a big sister again... and I couldn't be happier that Cricky is here and happy and healthy and whole. That's all a big sister can ask for when she has a baby brother like Eric Joseph. :)

I love you Cricky!

Not all it's cracked up to be

Being right that is. It's just not all it's cracked up to be. I know I've done the right thing but that really doesn't make this hurt any less.

:(

Horror-scope

You may be running into trouble today, even if your intentions continue to be consistently honorable. A cascade of events can free you from the restraints of your own thoughts. You might as well buckle yourself to the nose of a rocket, for that is how you may feel. The exciting events now will eventually fit into a much larger framework of change. In the meantime, loosen up in the most constructive manner possible.

mmmhmmm. yep. sounds about right.

Just like Jerry Springer, I have final thoughts

Now I'm the first to realize that I'm somewhat pathetic for loving someone who doesn't love me. I've never really thought that about anyone else but we all know the rules you have for yourself are always tougher. And if you all think I'm pathetic, well that's fine, too. It's all good.

As usual, I express my thoughts better in writing and so my final thoughts to B were given in letter form. Or will be I should say, tonight. I guess you get a sneak peak. And while I appreciate that any one of you may have thoughts about just what a loser I am for saying all this to him, I've turned off comments cause I don't think I can take actually hearing it. This is really more for me... my record of what I said. Some of this is from the letter I never gave him and some is from thoughts I've had for the last couple weeks and some is from our big old conversation on Wednesday.

Here we go...

Dear B,

I know this isn't goodbye forever but, I wanted to tell you a few things. I guess just some things to think about while you're, well, thinking. :) Some of them I said to you but they seemed important so I'm going to repeat myself ;)

First off, I love you. It certainly wasn't my plan to fall in love with you but I did and now I have to figure out where we go from here. Secondly, I know that someone, someday will make you very happy. I would love to be that woman but if not, then I hope when you find her you aren't afraid to let yourself love her. Third, love isn't just about butterflies and mushy feelings. That part is nice, don't get me wrong but at the end of the day, be with the woman who makes you laugh and who is loyal to you. And then, make her laugh and be loyal to her. Be her best friend and let her be your best friend. I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. And unfortunately, butterflies don't see you through the hard stuff. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It requires work and trust on your part. Or so I've been told. ;) I don't have any first hand knowledge of that but it's what I've seen in the marriages that I admire. The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return. No one woman will be everything to you, nor will you be everything to her but if you fit together and know how to work together, then you will both be stronger. If you can say that you're pretty happy with her 75% of the time, you're doing 25% better than most people!

I have loved having you in my life and however long we're apart I will miss you. It's been an adventure being with you and you will always have a part of my heart. And our little almost baby will always be in my heart. I'm still his mommy even if it was only for a moment. I will never forget him. I know you won't forget about him either. I'm still sad for the way it ended but it doesn't change the love I felt from moment I knew I was pregnant. I believe he knows how much I love him and how much I wish he was here with me now, but I look forward to the day that I can see his face. And if the planets align and I get to have a second chance at having a baby with you that would be the most amazing thing I could imagine. I love my daughter with all my heart but I have never once looked at man and thought "I want to have his baby." I hope you know how much it means to me and how much you mean to me, that I would even take the chance and say that.

There are so many things tied up with memories of you. I will always think of you when I see a baseball game or Family Guy. James Bond and Jack Black will always be "yours" somehow. In fact there are tons of movies and TV shows that will make me think of you. I've loved cooking for you and taking care of you in some small way. 6:30 will be a little sad when I won't hear you walk through the door for dinner. I've had fun doing the art walk with you and working on pictures together. And I've never cuddled so well with anyone :) I love the way my hand feels in yours (especially when I'm cold) and you have the perfect chest to lay my head on while we watch TV at my house. My life is better because you have been a part of it. It hasn't been perfect, but love isn't perfect... it just is.

There are a million things I could say about why I've enjoyed the last year so much and why it will be so hard to be apart from you but just know, that even knowing how it would turn out, I'm still glad for this last year together. I know we both have a lot of thinking to do about what our futures, whether together or apart, should be. But I'll also be thinking about you and I'll be missing you. You've been a big part of my everyday for the last year and it won't be easy to stop myself from picking up the phone to talk you about whatever silly thing is happening. I know this is for the best but it won't be easy. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to be with me. I hope you decide you want to be that man. And just in case you ever wonder, remember that in that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you...No matter what the future holds...

love always,
gail

PS: If you ever really need me, no matter what, all you have to do is call and I’ll be there. If you’re scared or hurt or just need me because you need me, I’m there. Always.

You've Got a Friend

I love this song and I hope that all my friends who read this know that they do have a friend in me. I love you all so much. And I hope that just by the sheer act of posting this that my friends who don't read this blog will somehow just know that I will always try to be there for them whenever they need me.

When you're down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
and soon I will be there
to brighten up even your darkest nights.

You just call out my name,
and you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got a friend.

If the sky above you
should turn dark and full of clouds
and that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud now
and soon I'll be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name and you know where ever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
all you got to do is call
and I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

You just call out my name and you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again.
Oh babe, don't you know that,
Winter spring summer or fall,
Hey now, all you've got to do is call.
Lord, I'll be there, yes I will.
You've got a friend.
You've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
Ain't it good to know you've got a friend.
You've got a friend.

Till we're blue in the face...

We have talked and talked and talked and then talked some more. Holy moly. We sure do know how to communicate. B's friend is coming to town this weekend so my final quiet weekend is no more. What is happening is that we are on a break. I don't know if it's a forever break or a for now break but a break it is. There is no one waiting the wings for either of us there is only a desire to make sure we are doing the right thing. And it's hard to say goodbye to someone who's a part of the everyday of your life. There are a million reasons to keep putting of the "break" but the truth is, he needs to know one way or the other if he wants to commit to me. I need to know for sure if he's really who I want. I put my heart on ice for a lot of years and maybe I don't know what I think I know. I do know this isn't easy for him or for me. We both have a lot to lose. But I told him, I want someone to look at me the way my friend Steph's new husband Zach, looks at her. She is his world. And it shows in the way he looks at her. I deserve that. And I want to have another baby. I told him that, too. I've said it before but this time I know he heard me. There are just things to think about. It doesn't mean that I won't go out with someone else if asked (if I want to go) and he is free to ask someone else out. We are taking a chance. But I really think that whatever happens, we'll be better for it. I think I know how I want this end but the reality is that I don't know what the future holds. And they way we take our break may not work for everyone but this is our lives and our relationship (whatever that means) and this only has to work for us. Me and him.

I am going to focus on what I want and I will be happy. I will be happy. That is simply what I deserve and I that is what I need to believe with my whole heart.

I'm going to watch the Secret. And I hope that it helps me truly learn how to have complete belief in all the good things the universe has in store for me.

After A While...

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and that you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn
with every goodbye you learn...



©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

So sore

The wedding was lovely. The bride was stunning and the groom was handsome. The guests were well dressed and the music was great! All in all a great day.

But it was a long day. My back, as you may have read, has been somewhat "tweeked" for the last couple weeks and lugging equipment around and running up and down stairs and wandering all over The Mission Inn was, well, not so easy on my back. Or neck. Or calves. Did I mention I did all this in a fancy dress and pantyhose? I have not felt this sore in a long time. I have taken more than my fair share of OTC products and have prescription products waiting in the wings. I can't wait to go home and go to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep. I love sleep. It's the best. It's my most favorite thing to do by myself. Love.It.

But actually, I won't get to go to sleep right away. I have laundry to do, and photos to edit.

Plus there is the whole B thing. I know what I need to do. I just don't want to do it. And the only person I'm hurting is myself. I wish I had a switch that I could flip so that I could think of him as just a friend. But I don't. Does anyone know where I can get one of those installed?

One final Saturday morning cuddle

In my head, this is the last Saturday morning cuddle that B and I got to share. I've woken up at his place every Saturday morning that we've both been here and after the wedding well, we're done. I'm sad but I'm trying to push it aside to get ready for the wedding. S&Z will have a beautiful wedding with beautiful pictures and I get to say goodbye to someone I love.

sigh.

I guess that's just life.

Workin for the weekend

Literally. I'm shooting a wedding with Brian on Sunday :) I'm looking forward to it for lots of reasons. I'll get to be a part of my friends Steph and Zach's big day. I'll get to see my girls, NakedJen, Pinky and Sassy. Plus I get to make money doing what I love. All good and wonderful things. I think December 10th will be a great day.

That being said, I might not get in a blog post on Sunday. I'll try though! Tomorrow I can do one before we leave so Saturday will be covered. phew. I know I don't *have* to do one everyday but I actually like doing on everyday. It feels good to me :)

Hope you all are having a great Friday!

I work hard for the money

Ok, not really. But see that's the thing. I'd rather be working hard at something I love than doing a half-assed job at something I don't love. It's tiring doing work you don't want to do just pay the bills.

So I need to manifest a new job. I would like a job that is creative and pays me well. I have lots to offer in the creativity department, I just need the right place to use me. So here we go universe, that's the type of job I want and I will let you do your thing now!

Thank you :)

Suddenly I See

Some songs just make you think of all the wonderful women in your life. This is one of those songs :)

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

My back is still aching but I believe there's hope.

Why? you ask. Well here's why. This morning, I was running late to work. I wasn't actually going to be late mind you but I left later than I like to. Parking at my work can be a nightmare if you are mearly "on time". So I like to be in the parking lot at least 15 minutes before I have to have my butt in the chair in front of my computer. This morning that was not going to happen. But I got into the parking lot at 8:25. 5 minutes to find a spot and walk to my office. I was about to fret that I wouldn't be able to find anything because it's the week before finals and every student at SBCC is at the campus. Every single one. However, instead of fretting, NakedJen's voice popped into my head and said "If I can manifest a cup of coffee, you can manifest a parking spot." So I stopped the fretting in my head and said "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." I drove all the way down to the end. Nothing. So I said it again. "I need a parking spot. In this lot. Thank you." The woman in front of me also wanted a parking spot. Someone pulled out. So the nice lady in front of me got a spot. I said "Thank you for giving her a spot. Now I would like my spot please." And 6 cars up, someone else pulled out and there it was. My spot. I manifested a parking spot. Thank you universe. And thank you NakedJen for reminding me that I can manifest parking spot.

Now I'm sure you're wondering how this has anything to do with my back. And making it all better. Well I have decided that if I can manifest a parking spot I can manifest back pain relief. "I would like a way to make my back healthy. This week please. Thank you."

Thank you.

Oh my aching back!

I do believe it's time for a trip to the chiropracter. My back hates me right now and I just want it to be happy. Because a happy back = a happy gail. And really, who doesn't want a happy gail?

Denial

I've found B's behavior this weekend fascinating. I guess he really thinks that come December 11th or 12th I'll still be here. I will forget my silly need for him to commit to me and just let things stay the way they are. And I suppose it would be fair to say that I'm tempted to do just that. His friend who's been crashing here will be leaving on the 15th. His roommate will be leaving on the 16th for a 3 week visit with his family. Which would be wonderful for B and me under normal circumstances. But not now. Normally I would be thrilled to have him and his place to ourselves. We would be able to relax and connect and just have a nice time, alone. Sans the normal audience we tend to have.

But I digress. This weekend's behavior was the topic at hand. While at breakfast with our friends he mentioned our friend Cassie's move to LA and how they had discussed taking me to Disneyland since I've never been. I'm not going to Disneyland with B. I'm not going anywhere with B. I have to walk away from this man so I don't see how a trip together is going to happen. I need a he-tox from him. I will wear NakedJen's boos patch and try not to think about how much I miss someone who won't even call me his girlfriend.

Why is that knowing something in your head and believing something in your heart are so different? I know in my head that leaving him is the right thing to do. I know in my head that I deserve a man who loves me and really wants to be with me and is proud to let people know I'm his girlfriend. My heart? Well my heart just wants to be with the person I love. And forget all about the fact that I should be loved in return.

Baby steps, I guess. Baby steps...

It's the little things...

I just got a new cell phone! I've been doing a pay as you go plan where you basically have a month-to-month contract. It's was nice for the move and getting settled but now I have taken the leap and committed to the big 2 year contract with Cingular. The best part was the very cool new phone I got out of the deal! It takes pictures, (1.3 megapixals, so you could actually print a 4x6 if you wanted) and it can take video and it plays music! It's pretty darn cool if I do say so myself :D

Well I'm off to play with my phone some more! Have a great Saturday one and all!

I agree with Calvin

Me, too buddy. Me, too.

The final day but not really

So today is the 30th. I've done 30 posts in 30 days. Actually, I've done more since there were a few days I had more than one post but I posted everyday for the month of November even when I didn't have internet at home had go borrow other people's computers! I did it. I feel somewhat accomplished. And I'm planning to keep it up. I think I'm going to get No One Cares What You Had For Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog. That will give me an other 100 days worth of ideas when I don't feel like I have anything to say.

Should be fun.

In the mean time. I'll just keep plugging along everyday because this has been wonderful for me. I had no idea how the month would go but now having this "snapshot" of the last 32 days (if you recall I started on Oct. 30th) has made me realize that good or bad, crazy or sane, I want to remember how I was feeling on any given day.

Because this is my life. And it will have great days and so-so days and downright terrible days but they are my days and that is all that matters.

And for those of you that have found this blog, thank you for reading and for commenting. I love you all.

xoxox,
gail

I am.

I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it. I am worth it.

I'll just keep saying it until I believe it 100%.

I love people who love fart machines.

Sometimes what we need to make a bad day bearable is some time with a girlfriend. Someone who understands your need to be obsessive over something you can't change and who will listen to you prattle on and on about it while you get your nails done. I have such a friend here in Santa Barbara and her name is Cassie.

Thank you Cassie for listening. And also for loving fart machines.

And thank you for being my friend.

Fear

I was so terrified to ask B to step up and be the man I need. So I took back the letter. And then the overwhelming pain and sadness I felt was unbearable. I've felt crushed by the weight of worry and wondering and being scared. That's not what being in love is supposed to be. And so not 5 minutes after he left my house, I called him and told him everything I was feeling and what I really needed from him.

And he said he couldn't do it. That he has never felt like I was his girlfriend. So he would never be comfortable calling me that to other people. The more we talked the more I cried. And the worst part was all I really wanted was for him to hold me. Because there's something about being in his arms that rejuventes me. So down I drove to his work. Where he held me. And kissed me with a passion I haven't felt from him in months.

We're in a vicious pattern. One of us is going to have to break it. I know that it will have to be me.

And I'm just not ready to let him go.

And I hate myself for that.

Boring to almost anyone but me. :)

There are times when I look at myself and ask why I do the things I do. I was thinking about it on the way to work this morning. There have only been 3 men in my life that I ever really wanted to love me.

My dad. I've always wanted my dad's love. I think I even had it for a while when I was little. In fact, I know I did. But then something happened, I grew up, I changed, he changed and suddenly I became very aware of the fact that he had stopped loving me. I think he loves me in the "you're my daughter so I have to" way but not in the way you want your dad to love you. And I know that has colored how I see myself.

A's father. I really loved him and I really wanted to be loved by him. I wanted us to be a family. We had A on the way and I thought, "He's the father of my child. Surely he loves me." But he didn't. He may have in his own way at some point but not in the way I loved him. It was painful to be rejected by him. I truly believed that if the father of my child couldn't love me and my own father couldn't love me, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.

And that's when I stopped trying. I dated. And I had guys that I really liked but I never let my guard down enough to allow them to reject me. I would reject myself for them in my head and that allowed me to stay safe. To protect myself from more proof that I couldn't be loved by a man. It worked pretty well all things considered for 13 years.

And then I met B. Guy least likely to turn my head. He seemed so sweet and different from the type of guy I usually dated. He caught me off guard. He wasn't what I thought I wanted at all and yet, I found myself falling for him. And falling in love with him. And being terrified that once again, I wouldn't be good enough. And then I thought, "Just be yourself. Trust him. Maybe he won't hurt you. Maybe he's the one you've been waiting for all this time." So I did. I trusted him. And hurt me, but somehow, we stayed together. And he hurt me again but still, there we were. There was an undeniable something that kept us together. And then we lost the baby. And things changed. I moved. We got closer. Or so I thought. Then one day, he said what I had been waiting for "Gail, let's just be friends. We're best friends. I don't want to lose that. I don't want you out of my life and I don't even want to close the door on a future but I can't commit to a future with you either. So let's just be best friends and take sex out of the relationship." I was shocked. And not. I had been waiting for this exact moment. I had expected it weeks before it came and when it didn't come, I thought maybe I was wrong. So we talked and talked and talked. And cried and cried and cried. Both of us, not just me. He knew he was taking a chance by telling me this. He knew there was a chance that I would say, "I can't be your friend." And then we talked all night. Well, not exactly. You see, being emotional for some reason, gets him, ummm... well in the mood. I guess it's just wanting things to be normal when they feel out of control. And the fact that I am still in love with him made it more challenging to reject his advances. Weak girl that I am, I didn't. We said our I love yous. And then we slept. The next day was just as painful. I couldn't eat, I felt sick all day. I worried about the wedding that we had to shoot in 3 weeks (2 weeks now) and I wondered if I would be able to put on a happy face. That night, more talking, more crying. More sadness. And in the end, as I was about to get into my car, we kissed and I said "I'll see you on the 9th." I couldn't take it. Seeing him, talking to him, being near him was too painful. My heart was breaking a little more every time. And his eyes filled up with tears when I said that. I was keeping him from his best friend but it's what I knew I needed if I was going to be able to function. I cried all the way home. And there waiting in my inbox was an email from him: "I hope you got home ok... sleep tight. Get some good sleep and something nutritious for breakfast. I love you, -B" I emailed him back and said not to call me. If he needed to email me he could or he could send a text but no calls and no visits. I emailed him the next morning and gave him details he needed for the wedding, in part because I wanted to "talk" to him and in part because I wanted to get all of my excuses to talk to him out of the way. He responded saying I could call him or email him anytime, he didn't mind. And that's when I broke. I snapped. I realized that he had no idea what I was feeling so I told him. Flat out.

Here's what I said:
I know you don't mind. But I need to learn to live without you and that isn't easy for me. I miss you. I miss us. And it's only been 5 minutes. But the weekend is going to get here and for the first time we will both be in the same town and not together and I won't see you or cuddle with you or even get to go to a movie with you. That hurts to think about. Trying to not love you hurts. I'm just one big ball of pain (as is evidenced by my head and neck) and all I want is to sleep until the 9th or it stops hurting, whichever comes first. Everything just hurts in a way I didn't expect. It actually hurts to breathe right now. Knowing how much you want to date other people hurts. And that's not fair, you should want to date other people. But it hurts me to think about. I know it's different for you, for you, me dating would be a relief (I think) but that's just not how it is for me. And on the other side of that is wanting to know how you are and what you're thinking about and if you're ok and what you're doing. I want to call you and see how you're morning's going and if you're working on pictures. I want to tease you for playing linerider or watching TV instead of working on pictures. I want to know if you're getting your truck washed or if you fell in love with someone between last night and this afternoon. The idea of not having you in my life is so painful but the idea having to watch you be in love with someone tomorrow or next week or next month is even more painful. I have this horrible image in my head of you falling in love with someone today and never being able to see you again. Because what you don't know is that when someone comes along who gives you those butterflies that you want so much and does even more for you than I ever did, you won't want me around anymore. Because you won't need me for anything. She'll give you everything I have given you and more because you'll be in love with her. She'll be your best friend and there just won't be room for me in your life. And waiting for that to happen, knowing that some other girl could be with you in Prague and will get to meet your family and will be able to give you babies that you actually want, that just hurts. I hate not being enough and there's nothing I can change. This isn't something I can fix. I can't do anything to give you butterflies or make you feel giddy. Either I do or I don't, there isn't a magic pill I can take to change whatever it is about me that doesn't inspire that "giddy" feeling. My kisses can't excite you or melt you the way hers (the enventual "her") will. And I can't help not wanting to watch you get everything you want. I want you to be happy, don't get me wrong, but when I know that I won't have that, well, watching you get it, just thinking about watching you get it, that hurts.

And that's when he called. Not even 12 hours after I said "Don't call" he called. In tears. And said "I can't take this. This hurts way too much to possibly be what I really want. Please forget everything I said. If I asked you to take me back, would you?" And that's where we ended up. We met for dinner and talked a little. But now I feel like I'm right back where I started. Unsure if I'm good enough to be loved. By him or by anyone else.

He hasn't read the letter. Because I asked him not to. I realized after having a massive panic attack that I wasn't ready to deal with the possibility of rejection. Not when we have to shoot this wedding in 2 weeks. So I asked him to wait. And hopefully, he will. I know that there is a chance that he will be ready to deal with what I want and that he will be happy to do what I've asked. And all this worry will have been for nothing. Actually, worry is always for nothing.

But I've realized something much bigger, if I'm not worth it to him, if I'm not good enough well then, neither is he. And I'm just going to have to love me enough to let him go. And I know that I'll say "never again" but we all know that's a lie. I'll let someone else in. Eventually. Maybe after I've really learned to love myself. I try. But I think I fail far more than I succeed. Someday. Someday I'll get it right.

All hail T

My roommate. She brilliantly got the internet working again. Don't know how because I wasn't here but all that matters is that it's back!

Now I can avoid jail for doing bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication. Good deal.

Doesn't mean you won't see my on your metro page for going crazy somewhere else!

;)

Cox internet

sucks ass. I'm so over it. I haven't had internet for 3 days. Do you know what that means? It means that I have to beg my friends to take pity on me so I can get my posts in on here. Because darn it... I am going to follow this through.


Even if it means begging for internet access. Or doign bodily harm to someone at Cox Communication.

Watch the metro section for my picture...

Black Friday

I blissfull slept right through most of Black Friday but once I did wake up all was well because my stomache was finally feeling better. phew. I suspect that NakedJen was right and that stress more than anything else caused the issue to being with. Not much that can be done about that now so I'm glad my tummy and I are on speaking terms again.

I did actually get out of my house today. And I even braved the stores. I bought a couple things for me and couple things for other people. And I found out that we have Sephora in Santa Barbara! Who knew?! At Sephora, I found a perfume that I must have. Amazing Grace. First off the name is wonderful. Secondly, it smells more or less like nice soap and water so it doesn't make me want to gag. Both of those things are worth it to me.

I hope all of you who braved the stores today were successful and that when you get home you treat yourselves to some hot chocolate. It will help those tired feet. I promise!

Happy Thanksgiving?

Only if you are not me I think. Then maybe it was a happy turkey day. I happened to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach pain. yuck. it's lasted all day and being more than 2 seconds from a bathroom would not have been the best plan. Not at all.

At any rate, it's almost over.

Let's hope that next year is a better one.

But I'm still thankful. For all the wonderful people in my life. And this year, I'm thankful that charmin is so soft.

Good night and happy thanksgiving to all of you.

It's out there now... and now, I wait.

I gave B the letter before he left to go north today. I'm scared about what will happen but I guess it's better to know than not know. I hope he'll be brave.

I'm worth at least that much.

31

I should be 31 weeks pregnant today. It sometimes bothers me that I'm still so sad about it. I guess part of me feels like I should be "over it" already but the truth is that it can take years. They've done actual studies and found that out. Who knew? I guess that's what makes this holiday season kinda tough for me. I really wish I was complaining about my back hurting or how big I feel or wondering what this birth would be like. I should be having people want to rub my belly or telling me their birthing horror stories. And I'm sick of "it happened for a reason". No, it didn't. It just happened.

I hate that I fell in love with someone I'll never meet. I miss someone I'll never know. And I ache to hold someone I never can. There's just no good reason for that. And now I'm a little less innocent. I'm a little more jaded. And I'm a lot more scared that if it ever happens again I won't be able to enjoy it for all the worry I'll have. There is something amazing about having a baby that I won't be able to enjoy in the same way because I know first hand what can go wrong. And that makes me sad. I want my innocence back.

n 1: the quality of innocent naivete [syn: artlessness, ingenuousness, naturalness] 2: the state of being free from sin or moral wrong; lacking a knowledge of evil [syn: purity, sinlessness] 3: a state or condition of being innocent of a specific crime or offense; "the trial established his innocence" [ant: guilt]

WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I want it to hold a baby, one that I get to carry and keep, for me. That is my greatest desire. My biggest wish. My hope.

Holly Homemaker

I baked a pie. I really am such a good little woman.

ha!

Thankful

• I'm thankful for my health
• I'm thankful for my daughter
• I'm thankful for my job
• I'm thankful for my friends
• I'm thankful I have money to pay my bills
• I'm thankful for love
• I'm thankful that even when I'm scared I don't stop loving
• I'm thankful for CocaCola
• I'm thankful for my car
• I'm thankful I can read and write
• I'm thankful for someone to visit on Thanksgiving
• I'm thankful for my family
• I'm thankful for a great place to live
• I'm thankful for B. (even when I'm unsure that he's thankful for me)
• I'm thankful for my camera
• I'm thankful for my talents
• I'm thankful that I get to see A. at Christmas
• I'm thankful that I get to live at the beach
• I'm thankful for art
• I'm thankful for my computer
• I'm thankful for the support I get from other people
• I'm thankful that I'm smart
• I'm thankful for good movies
• I'm thankful for good TV shows
• I'm thankful for music
• I'm thankful for my iPod
• I'm thankful for this blog
• I'm thankful I read about the challenge that has inspired me to write in here everyday
  
• I'm thankfu l I'm alive

What are you thankful for? Don't wait until Thursday to think about it... write it down now!

Chicken Little rides again

That brilliantly worded letter I wrote? Remember that letter? Do you think I've given it to Brian? You do? Wait... have you met me?! Of course I haven't. I'm scared to. We've had the worst week. And I don't want to rock the boat.

What's a girl to do?

Well this girl is going to wait a little longer to flip the boat. Cause right now, I just can't take anymore relationship drama.

Bond. James Bond.

We just got back from seeing the new Bond movie. Wow. If you haven't seen it, go. Go now. This was not only a great Bond movie but a great action movie in general. Very well done. Daniel Craig is a wonderful choice and will hopefully bring us many great Bond movies.

Enjoy your popcorn!

I love quotes… they say it so well ;)

"Love can only be what you want it to be."

"The things that people in love do to each other they remember, and if they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive."

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."

"And remember, as it was written, to love another person is to see the face of God."

"If love was a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?"

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. There are some things you can't escape.

"Saying I love you is important, but not enough. Remember, love is a verb, an action word. Act on it."

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you."

Perhaps this will shed a little light. A letter to B...

Dear B,

There are things I need to say and somehow, it's always easier for me write things out and then go from there. I do want to talk about all this but I thought this would be a good place to begin.

What a week. We've been on an extreme emotional rollercoaster and that is never easy. You said a lot of things on Monday night and I want to talk about some of them. But before I start on that, let me just say this, I love you. And I hope that you don’t read this and think “she’s not worth it.” Because I think that we are pretty good together and that we can be even better if we just try. So while you read this remember that you are loved by me and that I really want you to be happy.

You mentioned feeling like I deserved someone better, someone who loved me as much as I love them. You wanted me to have someone who cherished all the little things I do for them, who felt lucky to have me in their life. I agree. I deserve all those things and I deserve someone who feels that way. I would like that someone to be you but you have to want that, too. I don't expect overnight change or declarations of love and devotion but there are some things I think I need.

I need you to commit. Commit to trying. Commit to not being on any type of dating website. Commit to not IMing with other girls (in a sexual way, I have zero problem with you having female friends). Commit to being my boyfriend. I'm already your girlfriend. I try very hard to be the woman I think you deserve. I try to be loving and caring and kind and generous and affectionate and honest. And I try very hard to give you the best of me. I'm not saying you aren't those things. And only you know if you’re giving your best. But I think there comes a point when you have to say "I'm with Gail. I'm going to see what happens. I don't know if it will work out or be forever but I'm going to give this the best that I have to give because that's the only way to know for sure." I guess I want you to try and be the man you said you think I deserve. It means (to me) doing some little things, like changing your myspace to say "in a relationship". I realize that may seem silly to you but it’s something that would make me happy. It means, letting your friends and family know we're together. It means, introducing me as your girlfriend. It means not being afraid to love me just because you don't know if it's forever. It means being willing to be vulnerable and honest and letting me in. It means really trying to make it work. That doesn't mean it will but does mean that in the end, we will be able to say we tried, we gave it our best and that is all anyone can do. Sometimes we just have to act on faith. Faith that whatever we are meant to share with each other, we will.

I have no idea what the future holds. I know that you are in my life for a reason. I know that we have shared certain experiences for a reason and I know that we found each other for a reason. I can't picture not having you in my life and I certainly don't want to think about letting you go but if you can't give this a real honest effort or you just don't want to then I will walk away. I have to love myself enough to do that. I won't lie to you. Letting you go will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I love you too much to hold you back. And I love you too much to not want you to have every good and wonderful thing life has to offer. I think I'm good and wonderful for you and I try everyday to be that woman but what I give you is precious and if you don't love the gift you shouldn't keep it. Maybe no one will ever love the gifts I have to offer but I know they shouldn't be wasted on anyone who doesn't want to cherish them or at least doesn’t want to try and cherish them.

I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It will require work and trust on our parts. And it won't happen overnight. This is going to take time to grow, if it's going to grow. I hope you really understand that all I'm asking for at this moment is for you to say "I want to really try and see what happens." I expect nothing more right now.

I also think we need to relax some and have fun! That’s one of the best parts about us, we have fun when we’re together. I know this whole letter sounds like I’m saying “work, work, work!” but I’m not. I want us to enjoy each other and have fun together, too. We will end up wherever it is we're supposed to end up. I hope I end up in your arms. I love being there. I love having you in my arms. And I know that you love me. I don't question that. Let's see where this goes... it could go anywhere, friends, lovers, a fond memory... I don't know. I just know that I love you and I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you. And maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for us. Whaddya say… do you want to give it a try and see what happens?

love,

~me

Overheard

"Being kind for no reason gets you far."

"But getting far doesn't always get you near."

If confusion had an address

It would be my house. I'm quite confused about something and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is.

Ya know?

How do you mend broken heart?

It's not just lyrics in a song... it's an actual question. Mt heart is quite broken at the moment and I just don't know how to fix it. I wish I did.

I wish more than anything, I could fix it.

eh

today sucked.


The end.

Sunday night ramblings

I know that I promised you all pictures today but I haven't even been home to download them. Sorry.

My Sunday however, I can tell you all about.

I woke up very late, 10:00am, which was not good since I was at that very moment supposed to be downtown watching football with my friend Tracy, not sleeping next to B who was still passed out. I quickly sent her a text message and said we would be there around halftime. Crawled back into bed and chatted with B for a bit and then got up and we had some breakfast.

He brought up Thanksgiving again and I think his guilt over not being willing to take me home caused him to make an offer he can't afford. He offered to help me buy a ticket to go home for that weekend but after looking at prices, we realized that it was just way too much money to fly home for a few days. I will most likely be here in Santa Barbara on my own for the weekend. I'm still sad about it but there isn't much I can do to change it.

We ended up going to watch the 2nd half of the game and the Redskins lost but the Chargers (Tracy's team) won so that was fun. After the game B and I went to see Borat and it was ok, kinda funny in some spots but not the best movie I've ever seen.

Now we're back home, after a lovely dinner and some ice cream and we're going to watch Serenity. Should be fun and quiet. I love these kinds of nights. :)

Showered in love

My friend Stephanie, who is getting married on December 10th, had her shower today. It was lovely. There was laughter and tears and tons of pictures! Tomorrow, I'll share some of those pictures with you. But let me just say, she was showered in love... and the best part is, that's what happens every day she's with Zach.

Love really is grand. :)

It's almost time to party :)

Tomorrow I have the pleasure of getting to go to the bridal shower of my dear friend Stephanie and then it's on to my wonderful friend Pinky's birthday celebration! These girls are two of my BFFs (best friends forever ~ duh ;) ) and I'm thrilled I get to celebrate with both of them tomorrow.

And for Sunday's viewing pleasure there will be pictures of both events. I'd say there will be pictures tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy partying like a rock star to download pictures! But never fear, I'll be back on here some time tomorrow to post something for your reading pleasure. :)

smooches,
gaily-o

Pressure

I'm not sure what to say today. I've got a lot on my mind and I'm not sure what I think about all of it.

There's a lot of pressure to do the right thing some times. I hope I don't break under the weight of it.

Tired

I'm so tired right now I want to sleep for a month.

I'm honestly not sure how much more I can take. I'm ready to quit.

And no, I don't want to explain this particular post any further.

Just because, sometimes, I think we all do this

While this isn't true of me today, at this moment, I have been known to behave this way.

And really, I think we all do.

Light bulb moments

I realized today that something I need but don't have is someone that I feel totally safe crying in front of. I always feel foolish when anyone sees me cry and sometimes, especially lately, I've wished that I could just sob and sob and sob in B's arms and feel safe... like it was ok for me to be that weak and he wouldn't hate me or pity me or think less of me. That maybe he would just hold me and tell me he was there for me. I've got so much bottled up inside me. A little goes to this person or that person and a little more to someone else but I've never had one person who I trusted to love me without fail no matter how weak I was. I'm sure there are people that do but I don't trust it. I don't entirely believe it I guess and that makes it hard. It's not that I don't trust them, I guess I don't trust me.

Hail to the Redskins!

Another Sunday filled with football. The only game I really cared about was the Washington Redskins v/s the Dallas Cowboys. The game is one of two that they play against Dallas every year and this year we had already lost the game when we played in Dallas so pride was on the line for this game. We were at home. And playing Dallas. And down by one against them for the season so we needed a win. It was a close game. we were up. they were up. back and forth. finally it was all tied up. and there were seconds left on the clock. We blocked a field goal and then got a field goal to take the score from 19-19 to 22-19 Washington. With no time left on the clock. What a finish!

And really, I can't complain. Life is good.

The Redskins have beaten the Cowboys and all is right in my world.

Hail to the Redskins!

Saturday Mornings

I love Saturday mornings. They seem to be the most relaxed morning of the week for me. And when B has been working nights, Saturday morning is usually the first morning we get to wake up together and I love waking up with him. This morning was no exception. There's just something about waking up next to someone you know and love. I love seeing his face and rubbing his back and the way he holds me before the assult of the rest of the world and the things that need to be done that day intrude.

But now, we're up and the day has begun. I don't know exactly what it will hold but I know it started well. And that is enough.

Brave... I think

So today, almost out of the blue, I asked B if I could have T-day dinner with him and his family. He's has agreed to think about it. I'm hoping for a yes but if the answer is no then we will need to talk about that. He seems pretty happy with me and I don't want drama over this but if he's ashamed of me or something then I need to know that. I could be making a mountain out of a mole hill. Totally possible given my personal tendency to do just that.

Relationships are hard. But I'm also not willing to give up that wonderful feeling I have when the alarm goes off and he rolls over to wrap his arms around me and snuggle for just 5 more minutes. Or the way he makes me laugh so much over the silliest things. Or the tingle I still get when he kisses me. There's too much good to give up but I need to be brave and ask for what I need sometimes. I'm way to good at letting things slide in a relationship just for the sake of not "rocking the boat" but sometimes, the boat needs to be rocked a little.

Holidays...

I'm more than a little sad about the upcoming holidays. Thanksgiving to be specific, is giving me the most trouble. I can't seem to let go of the fact that I would have been 31 weeks pregnant this Turkey Day and with my boyfriend and his family for my favorite holiday of them all. Instead, due to the major betrayal of my stupid body, I am not pregnant. 31 weeks or otherwise. And I have not been invited to spend the holiday with my boyfriend. And I have hinted. His response to my hinting was to try and name every one of my friends he could think of who might take pity on me here in so cal or even friends in the bay area who I could possibily stay with. Not once did he say "Hey, you should be with me and my family" and that really hurts. I was expecting at least an offer or an excuse as to why being with him wasn't an option but I got nothing. And that makes me sad. We have been dating for 11 months as of Nov. 10th. Which means that as of Dec. 10th, it will have been a year. Yes, part of that year was long distance but since neither of us was dating anyone else, I say that time still counts. But after a year (or almost a year) don't you invite your girlfriend to come home with you for Thanksgiving? Especially when she's already told you that she depressed at the thought of being alone for the holiday...

I don't know anymore.

The official first day

Officially, I'm supposed to be writing something in here every single day for the month of November. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. Frankly, I haven't been looking forward to November at all so why I would call attention to the fact that is indeed November is beyond me. However, I'm always up for a challenge.

And so we begin.

For those of you who are wondering, that lovely time of the month has yet to arrive. I'm still not pregnant so I'd really like my body to get on the stick and do it's job.

For those of you that weren't wondering that, well... I don't know what to tell you.

Wait.

Happy Wednesday... that's what I'll tell you!

Be on TIME!

I hate being late. I'm always on time for the most part and when I am late, I'm annoyed. I don't believe in being early or late, I just want to be on time. Exactly. So when my body which has always been as regular as a clock starts to betray me, well, I'm annoyed.

I'm one day late. Now there are those of you who might think that only being one day late is nothing to worry about but when you know that there is no chance of being pregnant and you run on a 26 day calender, well, day 27 better darn well be day 1! No one would be happier than I (in fact I might be the only happy one) if I were actually pregnant. But I know I'm not. I peed on a stick and everything just to make sure. Negative. as I knew it would be. So now that we all know I'm not pregnant, lets get on with the business at hand and get things moving.

Thanks.

Everyone has to start (or start over) some where

And what better reason to begin blogging again than a new blog :)

And a challenge: http://www.fussy.org/nablopomo.html

I'll be back soon with more. Just wanted to get the party started.