Wednesday, November 22, 2006

31

I should be 31 weeks pregnant today. It sometimes bothers me that I'm still so sad about it. I guess part of me feels like I should be "over it" already but the truth is that it can take years. They've done actual studies and found that out. Who knew? I guess that's what makes this holiday season kinda tough for me. I really wish I was complaining about my back hurting or how big I feel or wondering what this birth would be like. I should be having people want to rub my belly or telling me their birthing horror stories. And I'm sick of "it happened for a reason". No, it didn't. It just happened.

I hate that I fell in love with someone I'll never meet. I miss someone I'll never know. And I ache to hold someone I never can. There's just no good reason for that. And now I'm a little less innocent. I'm a little more jaded. And I'm a lot more scared that if it ever happens again I won't be able to enjoy it for all the worry I'll have. There is something amazing about having a baby that I won't be able to enjoy in the same way because I know first hand what can go wrong. And that makes me sad. I want my innocence back.

n 1: the quality of innocent naivete [syn: artlessness, ingenuousness, naturalness] 2: the state of being free from sin or moral wrong; lacking a knowledge of evil [syn: purity, sinlessness] 3: a state or condition of being innocent of a specific crime or offense; "the trial established his innocence" [ant: guilt]

WordNet ® 2.0, © 2003 Princeton University

I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I want it to hold a baby, one that I get to carry and keep, for me. That is my greatest desire. My biggest wish. My hope.

2 comments:

Karana said...

I have to say I agree with your logic for the 'it happened for a reason' comment. It can be comforting to think that there is a reason for bad things happening, but yes, in truth, most times there simply isn't a reason. Things just happen.

And I'm so sorry this happened to you. *hug*

You know, I normally avoid having 'church' conversations with friends just because it almost always seems to turn awkward at some point and while I have my own beliefs, I also respect everyone else's beliefs. I hate those 'you're wrong and I'm right' wars. BUT... (you knew this was coming, right? LOL!)... I have recently been learning about Job (I love Job), and the perspective I've taken has to do with what you were saying...

An article I read that was very helpful to me (LDS perspective, I suppose) said "When an infant is born with birth defects, or a loved one is killed in an auto accident, some people immediately respond, "What have I done to deserve this?" Job implies that there can be "no-fault" tragedy."

The article is here: http://deseretbook.com/mormon-life/curric/story?story_id=4274

And you're welcome to read it or not read it as you choose.

Our friendship goes on, no matter what.

Love ya!

Queen Karana said...

I still stand by my original comment to this post...

BUT...

I totally get the "jaded" and "loss of innocence." Oh yes, I do. I told my friend that the next time I get pregnant I probably won't even call the doctor until I'm 10 weeks along, go in, get an ultrasound, pray, pray, pray for the next 14-16 weeks, and then move myself into the hospital completely attached to a fetal monitor with a surgical team standing by for the next 10-14 weeks until the baby is born.

And after I'm holding my sweet precious baby, then I'll finally be able to BREATHE.