Friday, November 17, 2006

Perhaps this will shed a little light. A letter to B...

Dear B,

There are things I need to say and somehow, it's always easier for me write things out and then go from there. I do want to talk about all this but I thought this would be a good place to begin.

What a week. We've been on an extreme emotional rollercoaster and that is never easy. You said a lot of things on Monday night and I want to talk about some of them. But before I start on that, let me just say this, I love you. And I hope that you don’t read this and think “she’s not worth it.” Because I think that we are pretty good together and that we can be even better if we just try. So while you read this remember that you are loved by me and that I really want you to be happy.

You mentioned feeling like I deserved someone better, someone who loved me as much as I love them. You wanted me to have someone who cherished all the little things I do for them, who felt lucky to have me in their life. I agree. I deserve all those things and I deserve someone who feels that way. I would like that someone to be you but you have to want that, too. I don't expect overnight change or declarations of love and devotion but there are some things I think I need.

I need you to commit. Commit to trying. Commit to not being on any type of dating website. Commit to not IMing with other girls (in a sexual way, I have zero problem with you having female friends). Commit to being my boyfriend. I'm already your girlfriend. I try very hard to be the woman I think you deserve. I try to be loving and caring and kind and generous and affectionate and honest. And I try very hard to give you the best of me. I'm not saying you aren't those things. And only you know if you’re giving your best. But I think there comes a point when you have to say "I'm with Gail. I'm going to see what happens. I don't know if it will work out or be forever but I'm going to give this the best that I have to give because that's the only way to know for sure." I guess I want you to try and be the man you said you think I deserve. It means (to me) doing some little things, like changing your myspace to say "in a relationship". I realize that may seem silly to you but it’s something that would make me happy. It means, letting your friends and family know we're together. It means, introducing me as your girlfriend. It means not being afraid to love me just because you don't know if it's forever. It means being willing to be vulnerable and honest and letting me in. It means really trying to make it work. That doesn't mean it will but does mean that in the end, we will be able to say we tried, we gave it our best and that is all anyone can do. Sometimes we just have to act on faith. Faith that whatever we are meant to share with each other, we will.

I have no idea what the future holds. I know that you are in my life for a reason. I know that we have shared certain experiences for a reason and I know that we found each other for a reason. I can't picture not having you in my life and I certainly don't want to think about letting you go but if you can't give this a real honest effort or you just don't want to then I will walk away. I have to love myself enough to do that. I won't lie to you. Letting you go will be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I love you too much to hold you back. And I love you too much to not want you to have every good and wonderful thing life has to offer. I think I'm good and wonderful for you and I try everyday to be that woman but what I give you is precious and if you don't love the gift you shouldn't keep it. Maybe no one will ever love the gifts I have to offer but I know they shouldn't be wasted on anyone who doesn't want to cherish them or at least doesn’t want to try and cherish them.

I don't know much about what makes a great relationship except this: respect, honesty, communication and commitment. Those four things must be there. Love grows and changes, passion ebbs and flows, there will be hard times no matter what, but if those four things are there anything can be overcome. Nothing of value ever comes very easily. It will require work and trust on our parts. And it won't happen overnight. This is going to take time to grow, if it's going to grow. I hope you really understand that all I'm asking for at this moment is for you to say "I want to really try and see what happens." I expect nothing more right now.

I also think we need to relax some and have fun! That’s one of the best parts about us, we have fun when we’re together. I know this whole letter sounds like I’m saying “work, work, work!” but I’m not. I want us to enjoy each other and have fun together, too. We will end up wherever it is we're supposed to end up. I hope I end up in your arms. I love being there. I love having you in my arms. And I know that you love me. I don't question that. Let's see where this goes... it could go anywhere, friends, lovers, a fond memory... I don't know. I just know that I love you and I think I would miss you even if I'd never met you. And maybe this is the beginning of something wonderful for us. Whaddya say… do you want to give it a try and see what happens?

love,

~me

1 comment:

Karana said...

Oh oh oh... I think this is so well written. You did such a beautiful job. I hope it works out for you guys. I don't think you asked too much. I wish I had been as eloquent as you when I was going through a similar situation with Michael when we were dating. All the best...