Monday, November 27, 2006

Fear

I was so terrified to ask B to step up and be the man I need. So I took back the letter. And then the overwhelming pain and sadness I felt was unbearable. I've felt crushed by the weight of worry and wondering and being scared. That's not what being in love is supposed to be. And so not 5 minutes after he left my house, I called him and told him everything I was feeling and what I really needed from him.

And he said he couldn't do it. That he has never felt like I was his girlfriend. So he would never be comfortable calling me that to other people. The more we talked the more I cried. And the worst part was all I really wanted was for him to hold me. Because there's something about being in his arms that rejuventes me. So down I drove to his work. Where he held me. And kissed me with a passion I haven't felt from him in months.

We're in a vicious pattern. One of us is going to have to break it. I know that it will have to be me.

And I'm just not ready to let him go.

And I hate myself for that.

4 comments:

Karana said...

I just want you to know that I am here, and I am reading your posts, and I am listening in a long distance sort of way, and I feel your pain.

I don't have advice, I don't really think you need advice. But I am here - and maybe that is enough.

nakedjen said...

i think. fuck, you know what i think. but wait. i hate to say it anyway. i think that when he says he isn't comfortable saying you're his girlfriend and can't say that to other people than he does not deserve to have you.

or kiss you.

or hold you.

period.

you deserve much, much, much, much more of a man than that.

you're addicted to him.

do you need a boos patch? i can make you one.

but yeah, you got to quit while you still can.

nakedjen said...

that was i HAVE to say it anyway. not hate. HAVE.

Gail said...

A patch would be great! I could use one for sure. I love him but I have to love me more. I just have to. You reminded me of that. I can't wait to see you. I need some nakedjen time. badly.